


Parallel Lines

by jestbee



Series: Parallel Lines Verse [2]
Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Angst, Domestic Fluff, Fake/Pretend Relationship, Fluff, Friends With Benefits, Friends to Lovers, Getting Together, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Mpreg, Slow Burn, Unplanned Pregnancy
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-04-16
Updated: 2019-04-02
Packaged: 2019-04-23 21:50:40
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 14
Words: 25,763
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14341626
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jestbee/pseuds/jestbee
Summary: Dan and Phil run parallel, always together but always with distance between them. Until everything changes.





	1. Chapter One

**Author's Note:**

> People wanted me to continue the Parallel Lines verse so here it is 
> 
>  Before you read this [go read the prologue](https://archiveofourown.org/works/14307150)
> 
> This is unbeta'd
> 
> Come say hi on [Tumblr](http://jesbee.tumblr.com)

_10 weeks_

Phil's leg is jiggling up and down next to him, like he's full of some kind of nervous energy he can't rid of. 

"You didn't have to come," Dan says. 

Phil turns to look at him, leans a little over the wooden arm rest of the cracked forest green chair he's sat in. His arm brushes Dan's and he doesn't move it. 

"No, no I'm just... nervous."

" _You're_ nervous?" Dan asks with a scoff, "What the hell do you have to be nervous about? I'm the pregnant one." 

"Doctors just make me nervous," Phil explains. "Sorry. You must be... are you nervous?" 

Dan shrugs, "no not really. I mean... I mostly dealt with the freak out before, you know? This is just to like, confirm I'm pregnant. But given a positive test and a whole bunch of throwing up, I'm pretty damn sure." 

"Are you still feeling sick?" 

Dan rolls his eyes. Phil is being weird. He's hovering a bit and keeps asking Dan if he's okay. Dan had been sick that morning, like he was most mornings at the moment, and yeah sometimes not in the morning. Morning sickness, it turns out, isn't reserved for just the actual morning. 

Phil waited outside of the door. Actually stood there while Dan retched on the other side of it shouting through the wood to ask him if he was okay and did he need some water and would some plain toast make him feel better. Dan just wanted to deal with the fairly embarrassing practise in peace honestly. 

"No. I'm fine. Give it a rest." 

It's admirable that Phil wants to take this seriously, that he wants to... support Dan or whatever, but he's taking it too far. 

"Sorry." 

Dan turns back to look out at the waiting room. There are a couple of other people in the room, mostly older folk he assumes are here fairly regularly. They look relaxed, like this is a normal occurance for them. Dan wishes he could be that laid back. Despite what he said to Phil, he does feel a little bit of trepidation. 

This is kind of where it's going to start, isn't it? Telling Phil had been fairly traumatic as far as awkward exchanges go but, this moment, when an official doctor confirms a concept that those two pink little lines on the test had introduced, there's no going back. 

Dan swallows and tries to school his face in to something resembling calm. 

"Daniel Howell. Room 4 please."

The tannoy comes over the speakers and Dan looks over at Phil, for whatever reason, and Phil nods at him encouragingly. 

Dan stands and inclines his head, beckoning in the direction of the corridor to the doctor's rooms opposite them. "Come with."

"Really?"

Dan shrugs and Phil stands up to follow him across the room. 

They make it to room 4, knock, and walk in. 

"Mr Howell?" the doctor says, looking up from the desk. 

He seems friendly, his voice is kind of quiet and soft. He seems really nice but Dan still has one thousand thoughts going through his head so he doesn't even offer a smile, just an expression that must make him look like a deer in headlights.

Dan nods, "Dan.". 

" Okay, Dan. And...?" 

"Phil," Dan says, "this is... he's..." 

"Take a seat, Dan. Phil." the doctor smiles, noticing Dan's hesitation. 

He doesn't know why he can't get the words out. _He's the other parent, flatmate, best friend, business partner..._ , he should say something like that, or even _this is the guy that knocked me up_ , but the words don't come. 

He sits on a chair that matches the one in the waiting area but isn't as worn and Phil sits next to him on a cheap plastic thing in bright orange. 

He's all folded in on himself in the small space and Dan feels a pang of sympathy at how uncomfortable he must be. 

"What can I help you with today, Dan?" 

"Um..." 

Dan pulls his sleeves down over his hands and tugs at the edges of them with a fingernail. He's lost the ability to speak. He really wants to, but it's all a huge mess in his head and he doesn't know where to start. Luckily, Phil is right there like he always is.

"We've had a positive pregnancy test," Phil says beside him. "And he's been really sick, and tired. And moody." 

Dan would probably have more of a reaction to Phil saying he's been moody but he's bowled over by Phil saying _we_ had a positive test. We. 

He feels slightly guilty, because that makes them sound like an expectant couple. Like they'd waited for the lines to appear together, matching smiles and excited hugs when it was positive. 

That's not how it was at all. 

Dan thinks about shoving the test in the bottom of the bin and trying to ignore it, of Phil with the test clutched in his tight fist as he opened Dan's bedroom door. 

We. 

He feels sick. 

"Alrighty," the doctor says, smiling at Phil before turning back to Dan. "Let's have a look if you're expecting." 

Dan drifts through the following tests and grins over at Phil when it's confirmed that yes, he is pregnant. He tries to let some of the warmth he feels in his veins amidst the general weirdness of all of this show on his face but he isn't sure how successful he is. 

Sometimes the weird just wins out, and all of this is pretty strange. A month ago he wouldn't have believed it.

He has his temperature taken, his blood pressure checked, a blood test that only stings a little as the needle goes in, and any number of other things. He answers questions about his family history and Phil offers his and the whole thing kind of passes in a blur.

Dan looks over during all of this to stare at Phil and he looks strange. Happy, for all intents and purposes, but with something else in there too. His mouth is smiling but his eyes aren't crinkled up like they usually are. 

This is fairly big though, and scary, so he lets it go. 

"Is this your first pregnancy?" the doctor asks.

"Um, yes. First… first pregnancy." 

"Okay. No worries, lets just go over some things for you then."

The doctor tells Dan all sorts of importance bits of information about follow up appointments and vitamins and a lot of other stuff he is only half listening to. He's mostly watching the attentive look on Phil's face, the small nods he keeps making and the way the wrinkles on his forehead deepen as his eyebrows raise. 

"Dan?" Phil says, breaking his concentration.

"Huh?"

"I was just asking if you had any questions," the doctor says, slowly. "I imagine this is all a little overwhelming." 

Dan forces a smile on and looks the doctor right in the face. Bravado always stood him in good stead, and he's sure that he _will be_ fine, he is just having a momentary crisis thinking about the enormity of it all at the moment. 

"I'm good," he says.

"Well, I'm here if you have any questions. Your midwife should be able to talk you through anything you might think of along the way but other than that, you'll get a letter from the hospital with your referral for the scan and… that's it." 

They leave the doctor's office and then the building and Phil seems to be gearing up to something. Dan just wants to be left alone to think about all of this and what he is going to do now his life is upside down, but Phil is hovering around his elbow and keeps looking at him. 

When he steers them away from the underground and towards a taxi rank, Dan loses it. 

"What?" he says, "out with it." 

"I don't know," Phil says, hands outspread in front of him as if the answers were supposed to be there but he had somehow misplaced them. "I just… that was kinda big and...you're not… you know… gunna say anything?" 

"What am I supposed to say? I'm pregnant. It's yours. We knew that going in." 

Dan could laugh, actually scoff out loud at how easily those words slip from his mouth now when only a few days ago he hadn't been able to say them at all. 

And loudly. He's said them quite loudly because Phil looks over his shoulder and around them. Checking. 

"Shit," Dan says, quieter now, "Sorry." 

"I just meant…" Phil says, "That, you know, we should probably talk about it." 

Dan sighs. "Probably." 

"I know it's scary, I'm scared too." 

Dan looks down at his shoes and scuffs one against a join in two pavement slabs. 

"It's not going to get any less scary, is it?" Dan asks. 

"No, I don't think it is. Maybe… well, maybe it gets more scary actually." 

"Thanks for that." 

"I'm just trying to be honest," Phil says. "But we… I meant what I said. Or maybe I never said it but… I'm here for you Dan." 

Dan nods, a little choked in a way he's going to blame on hormones even though the thought of that makes his eyes hurt from not rolling them.

"For both of you." 

Suddenly Dan's eyes hurt even more and he squeezes them shut. 

"Fuck," he whispers, his hand coming up over his stomach. He has a jacket on and the zipper cuts in to his hand a little bit as he presses down. "Fuck, Phil. There's two of us… three I mean… ugh. What are we going to do?" 

Phil shakes his head, nods, and shakes it again. "I don't know. I don't… we'll figure it out. I promise, everything will be okay. Let's go home, lets just… not freak out about this here let's go home and talk about it, okay?" 

Dan nods "Okay, okay. Let's go home." 

Dan is shaking, just a little bit, so he lets Phil steer him into the short line for a taxi. There's only one person ahead of them so they get one pretty quickly. It's big, all of this stuff, and he feels kind of crazy and all mixed up inside. 

Phil is quiet and still next to him. He's warm and Dan kind of wishes he could hold his hand or something, which is completely ridiculous. He settles for looking over at him every so often, catching sight of the smooth lines of his face, stoic and serene. Even if he's putting it on, which Dan highly suspects that he is, it helps.


	2. Chapter Two

Dan is thankful that Phil doesn't make him sit down and talk about it as soon as they get in. In fact, Phil seems to forget they're supposed to be talking about anything at all and offers him a small smile before wandering off to the kitchen to make coffee. 

Dan shuffles in to the living room and drops down onto the sofa. His laptop is already here but he sits staring at it. He wishes there was something he could google to deal with this situation but it isn't exactly something he'd find in a WikiHow article. 

_How to navigate an unexpected pregnancy with your best friend and flatmate_

Dan shudders to think what the artwork would look like. 

Phil reappears when Dan is zoned out, eyes locked on the laptop screen but not really focussing. His hands are hovering over the keyboard when Phil puts a mug down on to the table in front of him with a click.

"I brought you tea," he says.

"Huh?"

"Tea," Phil repeats, "Cus, I didn't think coffee was good...Caffeine... And the..." 

Dan nods as Phil trails off. He picks up the laptop, closes the lid and puts it back on the table, picking up the tea insead and cradling the hot ceramic in his hand without taking a sip. 

"Thanks." 

Dan can feel that familiar urge to run. To slope off to his room and crawl in to bed and now have to deal with all of this right now. He doesn't want to deal with it, it's too big and too complex and he doesn't even know where to start. When he starts feeling like that it presses down, large and weighty and he feels like he can't breathe around it. 

But he can't keep doing that. He knows it's just his fucked up brain telling him he can't do it and he knows that while it is easier, to go to his room and hide from the world, sometimes you can't do the easy thing. 

Sometimes you have to face up to it. 

"So…" he starts, "a baby." 

Phil looks round at him. Dan hates that he looks surprised that Dan has brought it up but he has a right to be, it's not as if Dan is known for dealing with issues head on. 

Phil either, for that matter. They're both kind of confrontation adverse.

"Yeah."

Phil's voice has gone all deep and serious, his eyes a little wide and worried, but he's here. He doesn't run away. 

"Fuck. I don't know where to start."

"Me either," Phil admits.

"There's a lot we need to… decide. I guess." Dan shifts in his seat, "like…"

"Like..?" 

"Like, how this is all going to work."

"Okay," Phil says, nodding and putting his own cup down on the table beside Dan's. "Okay."

Dan lets him turn in his seat so they are facing each other. Their knees brush but Phil doesn't reach for his hand. Dan doesn't know why he expects him to.

"So, how it all works. Like… with where we live?" 

Dan nods. 

"Why can't we live here?" Phil shrugs. 

"There's not… wait. I guess, I don't know. We keep living together?"

"Did you not want to?" Phil looks a little worried now. "Would… how does that… it doesn't make any sense. Why would we not live together?" 

"I don't know. Living together, raising a baby. It just… what about in the future? The kid will get used to us living together and then when we don't anymore it might be sad or whatever."

Phil looks thoughtful, then nods. 

"Yeah," he says, his voice a little distant as if hiding behind his thoughts. "When we… Yeah. I guess I hadn't… okay. But I mean it still makes sense for now, while the baby is little. We'll need all hands on deck." 

"I guess I might need some help in the beginning." Dan agrees, "but we'll have to sort it out before they're old enough to like… get upset about us getting our own place." 

Phil just nods, silent. Dan hates this, it's awkward and it's forcing him to think of his future in way more detail than he'd wanted to. He was happy just plodding along and not really thinking about when he's eventually grow up and get his own flat or god forbid buy property. He knows Phil mist have thought of it, he's got a few years on him and Dan thinks that is how these things work but he can't be sure. It's not like they've ever really had a conversation about it other than a passing acknowledgment that it'll happen at some point. 

"I don't want to just help," Phil says suddenly, breaking Dan from his thought process. 

"Excuse me?" 

"Not _just_ help," Phil clarifies, "I want to be… I'm going to be… a full parent. It's my kid too. Even when we don't live together anymore I still…"

Phil is moving his hands a lot and he keeps moving from one sentence to another, a bit too loud and quick.

"Phil… Phil… of course." Dan reaches out and catches one of Phil's flailing hands and pins it against Phil's knee. "You're going to be. I promise. I mean… we'll sort out when they stay with you and when they stay with me and… all of that."

"I…" Phil sighs. "It's going to be like weekends and stuff. Oh god, what about Christmas? Or their birthday?" 

"We're getting ahead of ourselves."

"I know. I just…" 

"Lots of families do it." Dan assures him, removing his hand. "And it's just fine. Just because… because our families aren't like that doesn't mean it doesn't work." 

Phil nods vaguely.

"We're not some sort of divorced couple," Dan says. "We'll work it out in a way that is all friendly and stuff. We can even do Christmas together or something. Besides, we don't need to think about that yet." 

"Okay. So live together, at least for a bit. Here?" 

Wow they're really rushing through this, huh. Dan still feels a little like he wants to run away but it's easier now they've started. 

"Yes? Did you want to move?" 

Phil tilts his head just a little bit and surveys him. "Where would the baby sleep?" 

"I could put a cot in my room." 

"Is that…" Phil looks like he's choosing his words carefully. "Babies need their own room. After the first few weeks, it's better for them. I think " 

"How do you… okay. I don't know then. We move? You come up with something since you're the expert." 

"I'm not trying to… I don't want to dictate what we do. You're the one who's…" 

Phil fades off and they lapse into uneasy silence. They aren't getting anywhere, both scared of saying what they want to like they're going to make the other angry. This isn't how they work out problems, not usually. Dan doesn't know why this one in particular is so difficult. 

"This is ridiculous," Dan says eventually. "Look, if this was any other project we were working on… Yes, I know that's a bad comparison to make… but if it was, we wouldn't be tiptoeing around each other like this. Let's just come up with an idea and then discuss it. Like we always do." 

"DanandPhilBABY," Phil quips. 

"No. Leave."

And they're laughing. A little bit at least. It's not completely off the mark, this might be the biggest thing they've ever collaborated o. It isn't some frivolous project, but it is theirs. Not in the same way, in a much larger scarier way of course but still. It's theirs. His and Phil's. 

"What if the baby sleeps in the gaming room," Dan says. "We could turn it into a nursery. It has all those large cupboards for storing all the… baby stuff." 

"That could work. We could just film gaming videos at the living room desk. We'd have to rearrange the PCs and the stuff from that cupboard would have to go somewhere else… but I think we could do it. It'll fit. The only other option is to get somewhere that has four bedrooms but… if we can stay here we might as well, right?"

Phil nods to his own question, because it does make more sense. It's all solid decision making but Dan is suddenly biting his lip, because suddenly, with one decision made, he's thinking about all the other ones they have to make.

"Shit." 

"Dan? What? We can… We can move I'd you want to I just thought--" 

"Shit the gaming channel." Dan corrects, "Fuck, I mean, also… _my_ channel. What are we… fuck. Fuck fuck."

Dan puts his hands in his hair and pulls because of course it comes back to this. Doesn't everything? 

"We can't just… this can't be one of those things we just let happen without explanation." He says, his voice fast and slightly higher pitched than normal. "I'll start showing for a start, and if the location of the gaming channel changes people will ask. If changes everything Phil, everything. I knew that. I did. I just… I don't know. I hadn't… I'd thought about it already being done but not actually _doing_ it. You know. Telling them. Telling anyone."

"Dan, shh." Phil scoots over, reaching up to ease Dan's hand from his hair. "Look, we have time. You're only like 10 or 11 weeks. No one usually says anything until after 12 weeks anyway. We've got time. We don't have to do anything yet." 

Dan takes a long rattling breath in. "Okay, okay you're. You're probably right."

"I am."

Dan breathes again, slowly this time, trying to calm himself down. It'll be okay. They'll think of something. 

"Besides," Phil says, "we should probably tell our parents first. Before the rest of the world. In the grand scheme of things an internet audience is like, the least of our worries. So far down the list." 

Dan nods. Phil is right, they don't have to think about that yet. Their parents though… 

"Parents," Dan says. "Right." 

Phil nods, and this time it's his turn to look a little scared. 

"Let's do it," Dan says, "It's the only way all of this is going to start to feel real, right, when it's bigger than me and you. Let's tell people." 

Phil's hand shakes but he reaches over to take Dan's palm in his, pressed close. He squeezes once. 

"Okay."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Unbeta'd and unplanned. 
> 
> Thanks for the nice response so far!


	3. Chapter Three

_12 weeks_

They don't get a chance to follow through on their decision. Nor do they push their luck by making any other big decisions, deciding to stay in their house and keep living together in this really non-traditional kind of family set-up is big enough for now, Dan thinks. 

Over the week that follows Dan has a midwife appointment, a mildly stern woman in her forties who gives them much more information than they previously had and who, despite Dan's initial reservations, is surprisingly understanding about their situation once she finds out. She'd only found out because she'd referred to Phil as Dan's 'husband' and Phil had looked up quickly with an alarmed look on his face and Dan had corrected her to make it go away. 

So far, appointments see to be mostly about Dan's health, but they'll have their dating scan in a few weeks and then they'll find out when the baby is due. At that point, they'll know all sorts of information about their heart rate and size and things Dan is both scared and excited to know. 

Everyone is fairly confident he's around 12 weeks though, which means it could be time to start telling people. 

"We should wait," Dan says. 

He's sat on the couch with his feet up on the coffee table, his laptop balanced on his lap. It's mostly at Phil's insistence, even though Dan feels pretty okay. He's still a little sick but nowhere near as bad as it had been, or maybe he's just getting used to it. 

Phil is just as attentive and hovering as he has been and Dan is trying not to let it get to him. Mostly he's too overwhelmed by everything to really fight it anyway. And he's glad that Phil is taking up the slack with work because he doesn't have room for much else in his head beyond _oh god oh god oh god_ and the constant worry that they can't do this, that _he_ * can't do this. 

"Wait for what?" 

"For… you know. The scan? Yeah. It'd be good to have the scan before we tell people."

Phil looks at him sideways. He doesn't turn his head, just moves his eyes over in a way that suggests he's well acquainted with Dan's avoidance techniques. 

"We're going to have to eventually," Phil says, "you know that right." 

Dan hums. "Yeah I know I just… not yet okay?" 

He sounds mad. More so than he intends to and he hates the way Phil flinches a bit at his raised volume. 

Phil is only trying to help and yeah, it probably difficult for him too but Dan can't deal with this right now. He doesn't like this side of himself, the scared anxious one that can't push past the mental block he's got about it all, but it all just weighs so heavy and he's tired of carrying it around. 

"I think I'm going for a nap," Dan says when Phil doesn't answer. 

"Are you tired? Do you want--"

"I don't want anything Phil, I just want to go to sleep, alright? Just let me…" 

Phil nods. He looks sheepish and hurt and they'll have to fix this later but right now Dan is checking out of the conversation.

He leaves his tea behind when he goes but he doesn't realise until he gets to his room. He's a selfish dick for being like this, Phil doesn't deserve it, doesn't deserve to be trapped in this situation with _him_ of all people. Since when has he been able to deal with things like an adult? 

He knows Phil said that if it was anyone, he's glad it's Dan but honestly, it would be so much easier if it was someone else. 

The thought makes Dan swallow hard and slam his head into his pillow. Thinking of Phil going through his with someone else, being that supportive and attentive to another person carrying his child, it makes him feel odd. 

He badly wants to sleep, the world feels a little too heavy and a little too dark for him to be awake in it and yet it won't come. He lies awake, blackout curtains pulled shut, staring at the darkness of this ceiling and thinking. 

Are they doing the right thing? A baby is a lot, it'd be the biggest decision he's ever made and it will change his life beyond anything he's ever been able to imagine. It hits him that he can't even really look after himself, never mind another small human and Phil is going to be the one picking up the slack if they do this. Especially now they've decided to keep living together. 

Can Phil really know what he's signed himself up for? 

Dan lies there for about an hour, going over and over it in his head and not getting anywhere. He emerges when he's hungry. He used to be able to ignore those kind of things in favour of festering away with his depression but now he can't. Not only does he know that he can't ignore it, because it isn't just him anymore, in this body. There is also another tiny thing, not yet a person but something growing, that shouldn't be ignored. But also because he's _hungry_ damn it. His stomach insistent and growling.

The coast is clear when he makes his way to the kitchen, and he's thinks he's safe and has his head in the fridge before Phil catches him with a soft clearing of his throat. 

"Hi," 

Dan closes the fridge and blinks at him. He looks wary, like Dan is a frightened animal that could scatter off at any moment. He's tightly strung, held taut like a bow. 

"Hey," Dan replies. 

"You okay?" 

Dan nods, closing the fridge even though he hasn't taken a thing out of if. 

"I--" Phil stops, biting his lip. 

"Go on," Dan says, half a smile on his face, he figures he owes Phil that much. He's trying.

"I'm sorry," Phil says, " if I pushed you earlier… I didn't mean…"

"No, you were right." 

Phil visibly says, tensions leaving his shoulders just a little bit. 

"I'm not… I'm not dealing with this very well." Dan says with a bitter laugh, "obviously."

"It's not easy for anyone," Phil says, "I'm… it's hard for me too." 

Dan nods, because yeah of course it's hard for Phil. Being stuck in this situation with Dan isn't ideal at all. Phil should have found someone, gotten married or settled down, had kids when he'd wanted to not… not like this. 

Anything but some heavy obligation to his best friend brought about by his fucking bad decision making and inability to take his goddamn contraception properly.

"So…" Phil starts. 

Dan sighs. "I'm trying to get my shit together, I really am."

"You don't have to do it alone." 

Fuck Phil for being so nice. Dan hates that he feels obligated to be. 

"Thanks." He says, instead of what he wants to which is _you shouldn't have to deal with my shit. Run. Run far away and don't look back._. 

"The scan is next week," Phil says. 

It's not a question, but Dan knows what the answer is anyway. What Phil wants to know but is too hesitant to ask. 

"After, when we've got the… we should tell people." 

Phil nods happily. "I actually think my mum is going to be really happy, Martyn too. Everyone." 

"Yeah. Good." 

"Your parents will be," Phil says. "You always worry and it's always fine." 

Dan shrugs. "I can't really help how my brain works, you know?" 

"Doom and gloom," Phil says. 

"Your mum's doom and gloom," Dan responds automatically. 

There a tense second before Phil laughs. It rushes from him in a breath of relieved air and his whole face lights up into an ever-familiar grin.

It almost feels normal, jokey and friendly. It makes Dan feel kind of choked up actually which is ridiculous. Despite lamenting how he's dragging Phil down, he really is glad he has his best friend to help him through this. He has no idea how he could even fathom it otherwise. 

"It will be okay though," Phil says, "I'll be there." 

"We're not going up there," Dan says. "I'll just phone them." 

"Well I'll be with you when you call then," Phil shrugs. 

"Did you… Did you want to go and visit your family then? When we tell them?" 

"If you're up to it," Phil says. "If not we can… I mean I'd like to tell them in person but if you can't travel or something…" 

Dan snorts, interrupting the way Phil is rambling. "Phil, Phil of course I can travel you donut. We can go. I mean, it's scary as hell and way more real than I'd like it to be but… Yeah." 

Phil shuffles in a little bit and Dan barely has time to brace himself before Phil is hugging him. 

It's not that they never hug, they've hugged plenty. It just doesn't usually happen in their kitchen for no reason. But they're pressed together chest to chest and abdomen to abdomen and Dan has the fleeting thought that it's kind of like the three of them are in it, him, Phil, and their tiny little peanut thing growing there in the middle. 

He's not sure of the exact size of it. That's probably something he should look up instead of avoiding it all. 

There's a lot he should look up actually. 

not now though. Right now Phil is warm and he smells like his weird fruity shampoo that hangs around in their bathroom after a shower and Dan closes his eyes and breathes in. It's nice. 

"Thanks," Phil says, low in his ear. "It will all be okay Dan, I promise." 

Dan can feel the way Phil's arms tighten briefly as he says it and despite himself he finds he kind of believes it might be.


	4. Chapter Four

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Posting this early because it's a bank holiday and I got it finished!

_13 weeks_

Another waiting room, another fake leather chair in an ugly colour and Phil is once again bouncing his leg off a cheap lino floor. 

"Stop it," Dan hisses. 

Phil has the decency to look apologetic and pauses his leg for a moment. It doesn't last long because as soon as Dan turns back to the months-old magazine in his hand Phil starts up again. 

"Why does it always take so long?" Phil asks, "Our appointment was at eleven."

Dan shrugs. 

"Aren't you excited?"

Dan puts the magazine down on his lap and turns to look a him. Phil's face is a picture, his eyes are slightly wide behind his glasses and he's smiling slightly manically. It's endearing. 

"Yes," Dan says, "I am." 

Dan hears his own voice in his ears, flat and monotone and watches Phil's eyebrows fall. 

"Are you okay?" 

Dan is okay, he's just a bit dizzy this morning. He'd stood in the middle of the bathroom, blessedly free of nausea for the first time in a while but his vision swimming and the world feeling like it had tilted under his feet. 

He's still feeling slightly off-kilter. He's pretty sure it's nothing to worry about, but he doesn't want to mention it to Phil. Not with how he's been hovering lately.

Dan nods. 

"Are you sure? You don't look like you're okay."

"I'm fine," Dan says, but his eyes have slipped shut as the room seems to dip off to one side. 

"You can tell me if you aren't." 

Dan opens his eyes and forces a smile on so that Phil gets the message that he's really okay. 

"Honestly, I'm fine. Stop worrying. Lets just be excited about that scan." 

He manages a soft joking lilt this time, a fond roll of his eyes, and Phil breathes out in relief a little bit. 

"Okay. Okay." Phil turns back, his leg starting that jiggle again. "I can't believe we get to see our baby today." 

That hits Dan a little, in the middle of his chest, warm and sudden. _Our baby._

They haven't said that yet. They haven't been avoiding it, at least Dan doesn't think they have, but hearing those words from Phil's mouth is a little wonderful, a little scary, and it makes Dan gasp, just slightly, quiet so that Phil can't hear it. 

"Y-Yeah." Dan says, "our baby." 

Phil's smile is soft in response, and he holds Dan's gaze just a touch too long to be comfortable and Dan has to clear his throat and look away before the emotion gets to him. 

Dan wants to say thank you, or sorry, or _something_. He still feels a twisted kind of guilt about everything, despite the obviously fondness and excitement in Phil's voice. It is exciting, in a scary way, to see their baby. Their baby. A brand new human that is a combination of him and his best friend. 

That makes the twisted feeling worse and he sighs quietly. 

They fall into a bit of a silence and Dan is left alone with his thoughts. The magazine on his lap slips sideways as Phil takes it from him and Dan lets it go. He opens it up and immediately tuts out loud. It's one of those trash real-life stories things that Dan is half convinced is mostly made up. It's like reality TV condensed into something without the production value and printed on recycled paper. 

Phil is frowning slightly at one of the pages, a story of a woman who was impregnated by a bloke that turned out to be her cousin. It occurs to him that their story could belong alongside those ones. 

_"My flatmate is useless with birth control and now we're having a baby"_

Okay. It's not quite as scandalous as it could be, but it's still not ideal. 

Phil seems occupied and Dan is still feeling a bit off so he tips his head back against the wall behind him, closing his eyes just briefly. Unfortunately, Phil isn't quite as captivated by cheap entertainment as he thinks, almost as if he's somehow attuned in to what Dan is doing at all moments these days. He can't get away with anything.

"Dan? Are you alright?" 

"Yes." Day says quickly, opening his eyes and lifting his head quickly in way that only serves to make his vision shimmer around the edges a little bit. "I'm just tired, we've been here ages."

"Right," Phil says. "Wait here, I'm going to see what the hold up is."

He stands, marching off in the direction of the check-in desk and he's got that stern, determined look on his face that Dan knows means he won't take any shit. 

Phil can be a little scary when he wants to be. When it matters. 

Dan feels a little flush of happiness that he's getting that protective, but it's quickly followed by that sinking sensation of shame in his stomach that Phil shouldn't have to be running around after him like this. 

"Phil! It's fine--"

He tips his head back against the wall behind his chair and takes a deep breath. He is quite dizzy actually, and getting riled up isn't helping things. 

He doesn't know how long he sits there with his body feeling like it's leaning to the left and the world leaning to the right. He has the sensation of his body making tiny circles in his seat even though he knows he's sat perfectly still. He squeezes his eyes a bit, takes a deep breath, but he can't seem to make it go away. 

It's been on and off all day, but it's been short bout of it before it ended, probably low blood sugar or a slight dehydration or something. Maybe even just that he's tired. This is longer though, it won't go away like it has been. 

"Dan," Phil calls from across the room, "They say we can go through now." 

Dan lifts his head up, watching as Phil is stood on the other side of the waiting room with a friendly looking nurse, or a midwife, Dan isn't sure. She's got a deep blue tunic on with one of those upside down watches hanging off the pocket. 

Dan tips his head in greeting and tries to push himself up out of the chair. He feels a little heavy in his joints, aching and creaky. He pushes himself to standing and all too soon he realises that it's too quick. 

It'd be too quick normally, when his normal crappy circulation starts fighting against him, but with the added strain of being pregnant he feels really bad and no sooner is he stood up his head swims wildly and he's thrown off balance, foot sliding on the lino and tipping sideways. 

The nurse moves first, Phil only a half second behind her and Dan knows they're coming across the room but the edges of his vision are dimming slightly and he feels himself tip backward, his hip hitting the edge of the chair before he lands on the floor. 

"Dan!" Phil says in a voice that sounds echoey and far away. 

Dan wants to answer, he wants to reassure Phil that he's fine, he's just a bit dizzy and he'd tripped and--

But he can't make a sound, it all happens too quickly and he feels the cool skin of the nurse's fingers around his wrist as the back of his head hits the floor. Phil's voice repeats his name over and over while his vision goes fully black. 

After that, he doesn't hear anything at all.


	5. Chapter Five

Dan wakes staring at a polystyrene tiled ceiling lit by a dull yellow light. 

"Oh! Dan!" Phil's voice is frantic and jumpy somewhere around his right ear. "He's… please, nurse, he's up. I think." 

Dan blinks and turns his head, treacle-slow and thick. Phil is sat in another of those awkward plastic chairs, his face is pale and there's a nervous energy buzzing around him.

Dan brings a hand up over his stomach, pressing fingers in to the gap between his t-shirt and his sweatpants where his clothes are rucked up. 

"Whuh--" he croaks.

Phil's hand darts out, laying over top of Dan's fingers, his skin warm and slightly clammy with sweat. 

"You're fine, you're fine." Phil says, repeating it like a mantra a little breathy and rushed, hands patting at Dan as if reassuring himself that he's whole. "You just fainted. It's fine." 

"Phil." 

It's all he can manage. He blinks, the room coming back into a bit of focus. It's dim where they've obviously turned down the lights. 

"Yeah," Phil says, fingers curling around Dan's and squeezing, "I'm here." 

"Hello Dan."

There is a nurse on his left now. She picks up his wrist in one hand, two firm fingers on his pulse point, and tips the watch on her pocket to look at it with the other. 

"Just take your pulse, okay?"

There is a full minute of silence while she counts and Dan doesn't tear his eyes away from the knot on Phil's brow for the entire time. His mouth is pulled in tight as well and his thumb swipes rhythmically across Dan's knuckles in a way that appears to be completely absent minded. 

"That's fine," she says, laying his hand down. "You gave your partner here a bit of a fright." 

Dan doesn't even correct her, even though his voice appears to be back. There are more important things. 

"Is everything okay? The baby--"

"Everything is fine," she says.

Dan can feel the way both his and Phil's hands twitch on his stomach, as if they can protect the thing within just by being there. 

"You fainted, is all. Has this happened before?" 

"Yeah," Dan says easily, "once or twice. I have orthostatic hypertension it's where--"

She nods and he cuts himself off, feeling sheepish and stupid for trying to explain it to a nurse of all people. She smiles warmly.

"Okay. Well I'm sure your GP warned you that could become a little more challenging during pregnancy. It's nothing we can't manage, it's just means your blood pressure is harder to regulate and can dip suddenly. We'll keep an eye on it and we can medicate it if possible. As with anything in pregnancy we just have to be careful, okay?" 

"So it's not… the baby is going to be okay?" Phil asks. 

The nurse turns her smile over to Phil who has a pinched expression on his face like he can't get rid of the worry that collected in his chest while Dan was unconscious. 

"The baby is fine, Dan is fine. Just make sure he eats regularly and doesn't strain himself too much." 

Phil nods diligently but the look on his face doesn't go away. 

"Hey," Dan says, rearranging their hands on his stomach so that Phil's hand is pressed against his skin and Dan's is pressed firm and flat on top of if. It's silly, there's nothing there really. He looks a little bloated, like he's eaten a bit too much perhaps, but he isn't showing. Not yet. But Phil's hand is warm on his skin and he can hear Phil sigh quietly. "We're fine."

Phil looks down at his hand and then back up at Dan who offers him a smile of his own and an encouraging nod. 

"Okay," Phil says. 

"Alright. We'll just take some vital signs and then a doctor will need to look you over just to confirm everything is okay, but I don't think there's any reason to keep you here." The nurse picks up a file and jots something down before moving to wheel a blood pressure unit over to his bedside. 

"Can we still have the scan?" Dan asks. 

The nurse slips the cuff over his arm under the sleeve of his t-shirt, fixing the velcro in place. 

"I don't see why not," she says as the machine beeps, shudders, and the cuff tightens on his arm. 

She gets the reading and smiles at him to let him know it's all alright. 

"I'll just a get that doctor, then we can move you to the ultrasound room, okay? Hang tight. Shouldn't be long." 

She bustles out of the room, her tunic making a rustling sound as she walks, like something static. 

"I'm really fine," Dan says as soon as she's gone, "they're just being protective."

It's mostly for Phil's benefit. Phil who still looks worried around his eyes, Phil who still hasn't moved his hand from where it is pressed against Dan's skin. 

"I was scared," Phil says after a moment's silence. It's almost a whisper, like a shameful thing he doesn't want to admit. "I thought… oh god. When I thought something might have happened to you… or to the… to the baby." 

His eyes slip shut just briefly and he shakes his head as if trying to rid himself of all those thoughts. 

"I don't know what I would have done." 

Phil dips his head and his shoulders heave with a long, deep sigh. He's finally coming down from the built up adrenaline, slumping down slightly so that his hair falls from it's swept up quiff and down on to his forehead. 

He looks young, and a bit scared. 

Dan can't bear to look at the raw emotion of it. It's almost painful to watch Phil this worried about him.

"Phil," Dan says, "We're fine." 

He's said it before but it bears repeating now they are alone. Phil is sitting close so Dan lifts his hand from the top of Phil's and brushes the hair that has fallen on to his forehead up and away with the side of two fingers. He feels like he's putting Phil back together a bit, in the small way that he can.

"I-I know," Phil says, still not looking up, "But I was just getting used to the idea of us. I mean, of the baby and everything. And when I thought…" 

"It's not… I'm fine. The baby is fine." Dan pauses, dropping his hand from the softness of Phil's hair and back on to the bed. "You're getting used to it?" 

Phil finally looks up, his eyes a little wide like he's said something he shouldn't and been caught out. 

"Yeah, I guess. A little bit. Like… sometimes I think of what it will be like." 

"What will it be like?" Dan asks.The words tumble from his mouth quickly and he snaps his teeth shut with a click as soon as they are out, He feels his cheeks get a little pink. "I mean… when you… think about it." 

"Haven't _you_ thought about it?" Phil asks, rather than scratch the itch that is Dan's curiosity.

Dan is relieved to see there is a small smirk tugging on one side of Phil's mouth, a tiny twitch just in the corner of the seam of his lips, curving up one side of his face. He's mocking him, obviously, but at least he isn't sad anymore.

"A bit," Dan confesses, "But mostly just…" 

If he's going to have this conversation he's going to at least make it an honest one. Jokes aside, he has thought about it. He's thought about how stifled Phil will be by a child, by Dan, by the way he's always picking up the slack. He's thought about how scared he is that he won't be any good, that his depression will get worse, that he won't be able to maintain any sort of balance when the time comes, when that little life needs him the most. He's thought about it in those terms, but he hasn't had any chance to think about the day-to-day, him and Phil, with a baby in their flat. 

He's too scared of the _everything_ to focus on the _something_.

"Mostly just, you know, worrying." 

Phil nods, "I worry too. I think… it's only been a few weeks, Dan. That will go away eventually. I mean, I hope so." 

"Go on then," Dan says, nudging him slightly, laughing, trying to break the tension a little bit. "What d'you think about?" 

Phil shifts his hand and Dan realises that it's still laying across his stomach. The twitch of his fingers makes Dan jump and Phil slides his hand away slowly, dragging his fingertips across the tiny rise of his abdomen below his belly button until they come away. 

Dan feels instantly cold without the warm of Phil's hand and pulls his t-shirt back down with a short, sharp clearing of his throat. 

"I--" Phil starts. 

He's interrupted by the door to the room opening again and a doctor stepping through it.

"Hello… Daniel Howell?" 

Dan wants to tell him to leave, ask him to turn around so that Phil can finish what he was saying, but he remembers why they are here. 

"Yes," Dan says, "That's me, I'm Dan. This is Phil."

"I'm Doctor Donaghy," he says nodding at Phil, "the nurse tells me you had a bit of a dizzy spell and lost consciousness?" 

Dan nods while the doctor looks down at his file. 

"Well, everything looks fine here, I can see you have a history of orthostatic hypertension which probably accounts for it. But… let's give you a little look over and then we can get you back to your scan. Okay?" 

He looks up and smiles. 

Phil nods next to him and Dan gives him a bit of a smile. Whatever Phil was going to say can wait, right?


	6. Chapter Six

The gel is cold on his stomach. She'd said it would be but he still winces as she spreads it around below his belly button. 

She's got a plastic remote looking thing in her hand with a curved blunt end to it like a stick deodorant. She wiggles back and forth on his skin and it slides easily. 

There is a monitor covered in blue plastic with a slightly grainy screen and its set on a trolley with wheels. She pulls it a little closer, angling it so they can all see the image appearing on it. At the moment it is a mixed up mess of black and grey and white with no discernible shapes in it at all. 

"Ready?" she says. 

Dan looks over at Phil. He's next to the gurney-bed where Dan is once again laying down but he's stood up this time, shuffled in close. He isn't touching Dan or holding his hand and for some reason Dan wishes he was. Like he should be. 

Phil grins and nods, his eyes a little wide and expectant. Dan can't help the smile he gives in return. 

"Ready," he says, turning back with a short nod. 

He feels Phil's hand come up to rest on his shoulder, just lightly. 

The nurse turns to the screen and moves the wand on his stomach around so that the image shifts and swirls. 

Then there it is. 

A small section of black space and there, curved into the bottom of the oval, a shaky grey-white shape that is unmistakably a baby. 

It has a large head and the suggestion of a nose and below, kind of curled up on itself a little, the shape of its body. He can't see fingers or toes or anything in that much detail but it's there, it's a baby. 

Their baby. 

He hears a small intake of breath behind him from Phil. The nurse has a small smile and leans over to hit a button on the bottom of the screen. 

From the tinny speakers, a fast fluttering fills the room. It's quick, so quick, the sound of their baby's heartbeat. 

"Oh my god..." 

Phil's voice is quiet, below his breath, but Dan hears it anyway.

"Yeah," he whispers back, not wanting to cover the wondrous sound with their conversation. 

She pauses, just a for a second, to let them listen, before returning to the task at hand. 

"How far along did you think you were?" she asks. 

"Around thirteen weeks?" Dan says, "Or... thereabouts..

She nods, "Yes, I'd put you around that too. It's not an exact science, but judging by the size and development I'd say that's about right." 

"Okay." 

"I'll get you a picture to take away, a digital one too." 

"Thanks." 

"At least they're cooperating for us," she says happily, "sometimes they're a bit shy." 

Dan doubts a fetus can be shy, but he nods back like he understands what she means. 

Then she's lifting the wand from his stomach and the image on the screen disappears and the solid thud thud thud of it's heartbeat fades away. He can't help but feel disappointed. 

"Don't worry," she says, "You'll be back in no time for your next scan and we'll be able to see how they've grown." 

Dan just looks over at Phil who looks slightly shaken. His hand is on Dan's shoulder and his fingers have tightened a little bit. Upon noticing he lifts his hand away and gets a sheepish look on his face like he's been caught doing something he shouldn't. 

The nurse leans over with a wet wipe and cleans down his stomach, drying it off with some blue tissue from a dispenser on the wall. 

"Okay," she says. "I'll just go and get the print out, then we'll have a bit of a chat about your due date and any questions you have." 

She lifts the ever-present chart from it's holder and writes yet more things in it. Dan reckons that by the end of this pregnancy the thickness of pages in that brown cardboard wallet is going to expand beyond belief. 

Once she's done, she leaves and the room feels eerily silent, the echo of that rapid beating still repeating in his head. 

"That was…" Phil says 

"Mhm," Dan agrees, sitting up and swinging his legs over the side of the bed. 

"Dan." 

Phil is right there by his side, close and excited. He puts his hands in his pockets and than pulls them out again, unable, it seems, to stay still. 

"I know," Dan says, putting his feet on the floor and making to get up. 

Phil reaches out, winds an arm around him but not all the way so that he's just kind of ineffectually patting at Dan's back by the time he's stood up. 

"What are you doing?" Dan asks as Phil kind of hovers next to him. 

"I was... um, helping you up?" 

"Why?" Dan says, laughing. 

"I just... you fainted." 

Phil drops his hand but he's still looking at Dan closely. 

"And now I'm fine, Phil. Stop." 

"I know," Phil nods, taking half a step back as if resolving to keep his distance. "I know, I'm sorry." 

Dan waves him off and goes to take a seat near the desk instead of on the bed. His t-shirt feels a little clingy on the tacky skin of his belly as he sits and he has to pull it away to stop it clinging. 

He feels tired now, they've been here a lot longer than they needed to and despite what he said to Phil, he still does feel a little unsteady. And bloated. And fat. 

Generally just, over it. He wants to be at home in jogging pants and a very large sweater and to be eating something unhealthy. 

"Won't be long til none of this fits," Dan says, indicating to his clothes. 

"You can get new jeans," Phil says, "they have them. Skinny jeans for... you know, pregnant people." 

"For carriers?" 

"Sure." 

Phil moves to sit in the seat next to him and that makes him feel a bit better. So stupid. It's just Phil, the same Phil he always is, but it soothes something in him anyway. 

"They have those specialist shops for carrier clothes," Phil continues, "online too. So you don't even need to go outside." 

"Alright. Guess I should order them or something."

They fall in to a bit of silence, both trapped in their own thoughts.

Dan doesn't know how he expected the day to go after they had the scan but it isn't this. He can see Phil's knee jiggling up and down again in that way that he has. He's filled with some kind of energy, nervous perhaps. One look at his face out of the corner of his eye and Dan can tell it's excitement. 

It's a different kind than he's ever seen before, slightly wide eyed but happy. A little like the first time they met, a lot like before they go on stage. But new. Completely new.

"Thirteen weeks," Phil says, out of nowhere.

"Yeah," Day confirms, "Completely past the first trimester now." 

He shifts in his seat so he's looking at Phil head on. He knows what comes next. Statistically they're out of the danger zone, and they'll have an ultrasound picture of that grey-white blob, the curve of that little nose present and perhaps familiar.

He looks at Phil, who licks his lip and takes a breath for before responding. 

"Yeah," Phil says, looking back. 

He isn't expectant, he doesn't push the issue or even bring it up. He just looks at Dan, his eyes blue and bright and he looks... happy. So happy. He looks excited and a little shocked and Dan wants to share that, he wants other people to see him so happy too. 

Selfishly, he wants people to know that he had a hand in it.

He also wants to _be_ that happy himself. 

He is. Mostly. Except he's scared and convinced he'll be useless. But Phil isn't, Phil is good and warm and joyous in all things, and he deserves to share that with the people he loves. 

"We should... Can we go up to your parents next week?" 

"Dan," Phil says with a burst of volume, his voice high pitched, his mouth stretched wide, showing teeth. "Are you sure?" 

"Yes," Dan nods. "Yes I'm sure. It's time. Just..." 

"Just what? Dan. Anything." 

"Just... Look. I know this isn't the place to talk about it but since we're on the subject..." Dan is talking a little too quickly, because that's what he does when he's nervous and he's trying to get it all out in a rush. 

The thing is he's still scared. About a lot of things. And it's unfair of him to drag Phil down with him but Phil is so carefree and happy and bright that Dan is concerned that he's not thinking of it all clearly. He's pretty sure Phil has pictured them playing happy families with a chubby smiling baby. He hasn't thought of the everything that could go wrong, of all the other stuff that comes along with that. 

He hasn't thought about how other people won't see that picture so fondly. 

"Just, I know you're excited to tell your parents and everything but... it might not go the way you expect it to." 

"They're going to love the baby, Dan. They're going to be Grandparents!" 

"Yeah," Dan agrees. Because yeah, they are going to be happy about being grandparents. "But, they might not be happy about it... you know, being... me." 

Phil's mouth falls to a little O shape. A crease appears between his brows and he is suddenly surging forward, wrapping his arms around Dan's shoulders and tugging on him until Dan is nearly tipped out of his seat. 

"Don't--" Phil says, crushing them together into a firm hug. "Dan, no. They love you." 

Dan is momentarily taken off guard by the hug. It's happening a lot recently and Dan doesn't want to be shocked by it every time, but he is. Phil's aftershave fills his nostrils and thank god the nausea has subsided because he breathes in deeply to enjoy it and doesn't feel his stomach roll in response. 

It's light, something fragrant and a little fruity, but that could be his shampoo. Nothing woody or spicey or too overtly masculine for Phil. But it's nice, familiar. Comforting.

"Didn't expect me to be birthing their grandchild though, did they?" Dan counters into the fabric of Phil's hoody.

He can hear Phil bite his lip and then let it go, the slightly tutting sound that makes its way out of his mouth as he does tickles his ear. 

"It's... yeah... it's going to be a shock. It was shocking to us, wasn't it?" 

"That's an understatement," says Dan, thinking of how he'd vomited and curled up on the bathroom floor at the news. 

"See. And we're okay now, right?" 

Dan pulls back to look at him, raising his eyebrows a bit. 

"Alright," Phil relents, dropping his arms back to his own lap to let him go. "Fine. There might be a little bit of... shock. But I promise, Dan, no matter what they're not going to be... like, _mad_ and you or... or... disappointed." 

"You think?" 

"I know," Phil says, "You're practically part of the our family anyway. Except... well, now you kind of _actually_ are."

Dan's stomach swoops at that. Family. With Phil. An odd one perhaps, but a family nonetheless.

His brain supplies one of those images he'd been thinking Phil shouldn't be having at that moment. A lazy weekends perhaps, laying on a bed with a baby, it's little legs kicking at something soft and white. The whole image feels cosy and comfortable. The baby next to him, the cute gurgling noises in the still of the bedroom. And Phil, on the other side of the bed, a small smile in the corner of his mouth as they look at each other. This is theirs, Dan knows he's thinking, they did this.

Dan has to shake himself, because Phil is still talking and he can't get swept along with that image. Besides, trying to think about what it means that he's imagining Phil on the other side of a bed to him is best left alone. He can bury that one deep deep down thank you very much.

"Cus, you know," Phil is saying, "you'll be their grandchild's other parent, and you'll be the father of my kid and..." 

"And?" 

Phil looks down at his hands for a second before looking back up. "And you're my best friend, Dan." 

Dan has to bite down on his lip to stop whatever complicated emotion it is he's in danger of showing. 

"Whatever else," Phil says, "You're always that." 

_Whatever else._ Whatever Dan is, housemate, business partner, carrier of his child, Dan is Phil's best friend. It is almost painful between his ribs how loyal Phil is, how steadfast and honest. 

"You too," Dan says, "You're my best friend." 

Phil reaches out for Dan's hand then, folding his palm carefully in his own, their fingers linking, connected in all their empty spaces so that they are joined. It's snug, comfortable, they fit. 

When the nurse comes back in five minutes later they're still sat like that, and Dan doesn't move his hand away until he absolutely has to.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Come talk to me about this fic on [Tumblr](http://agingphangirl.tumblr.com)


	7. Chapter Seven

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> June 4th of my [fic every day in June 2018](https://archiveofourown.org/series/1036053) project

_14 weeks_

Phil rings his mum as soon as they get home and Dan listens to him arrange to go and see them. The printed scan photo is on the sofa cushion between them and Dan doesn't look away from it the entire time. It's still so weird, to think that there is a growing baby inside him right now. 

It turns out Phil's family is busy this week, so they'll have to go next week and he watches Phil's face twist a little with the exertion of not telling them that he has news. Instead he agrees they can wait and when he hangs up the phone he too looks over at the picture. 

"That's that sorted," he says. 

Dan smiles, thinking that it's far from sorted because they still have to actually go and tell them and he's still slightly worried about all of that regardless of what Phil says but at least it's set in motion now. He also thinks how its an unspoken thing that Dan will go with him, how the question hadn't even come up when Phil had said 'can we visit'. 

He thinks about what Phil said, about how they're already sort of family, how they will be even more now. That feels big, and important, and he doesn't want to screw it up. He wants to enjoy it, let it fizz in him warm and happy, but it's currently mixed with a sour kind of dread in his stomach, a worry of everything that could threaten it being just and wondrous and golden as he imagines.

A week later they're arriving at the airport in a taxi Phil insisted they take and he's picked up Dan's back and slung it over his shoulder. He's watching Dan a little too closely as they cross the main thoroughfare and Dan is just tired enough to have had enough.

"Stop," he says, reaching out for his bag. "I can carry it myself, you know." 

Phil regards him for a short moment before relenting. "Are you sure?" 

Dan rolls his eyes. "Seriously, Phil." 

Phil slides the bag off his shoulder and passes it back to Dan. 

"Besides," Dan says, "it'd look really weird if anyone spotted you carrying two backpacks and me with none." 

Phil gets a little thoughtful at that. They still haven't decided what to do about the whole internet thing but at least they have a few weeks to work it out before Dan starts showing. Maybe even a few more if he can manage it with camera angles and not going outside. 

They manage to check in and board the plane with no real incident. Dan is really tired, he'd made the mistake of drinking a large glass of water before bed and apparently his bladder capacity if dramatically reduced these days as he'd had to get up about four times in the night to pee. 

In the plane seat, he leans his head on the window as they begin taxiing up the runway and closes his eyes. 

"Are you okay?" Phil asks. 

He can hear Phil's sigh as he catches himself once again worrying about him, like its automatic. 

"Sorry," he corrects directly after. 

Dan reaches out with his eyes still closed and pats Phil on the arm, or the leg, he isn't sure. The rough material he bats at with his fingertips is either his coat or the denim of his jeans but Dan is too tired to really distinguish between the two. 

"It's fine," he says, "I'm fine. Just tired." 

"You can lean on me if you want to," Phil suggests. 

Dan opens his eyes and look up and down the aisle between the seats. He can't really see from where he's sitting but even if no one is looking, even if it's very unlikely there are subscribers on a plane to the Isle of Man, he thinks it's probably not a good idea. 

"I'm good," Dan says. 

Phil's face does something complicated Dan can't really interpret. He just nods as Dan leans his head back against the window. The plane picks up speed and Dan falls asleep as they ascend into the clouds. 

He's jostled awake by Phil's hand squeezing gently at his shoulder. 

"Dan," he says, softly. "We're landing." 

Dan blinks, a little groggy and confused. "Wha?" 

"You slept the whole way," Phil says, "captain says we're landing soon." 

"Oh God," Dan whines, sitting back up and feeling a pull in his shoulder from being slumped over for just over an hour. "Sorry. Ugh." 

"Looked like you needed it," Phil says. "You can sleep a bit more when we get there if you need to."

"Hm. No. M'good."

It takes Dan the entire time of the plane landing and pulling round to their gate to wake up fully and when Phil holds a hand out for his bag as they disembark, he doesn't protest but simply passes the bag over in silence. 

Phil slings it over his shoulder and walks them in the direction of the taxi rank, rather than the bus.

It's far too expensive, the taxi ride, but Phil pays the driver without complaint and they pile out of the car in front of the Lester's house. 

It's pretty. Dan has always thought so, and the views around here are always really lovely, unspoiled in a way they don't get in London. They still seem out of place amongst it though, tall and awkward among green luscious countryside. He breathes in and lets the cold air refresh him a little. 

Phil still had both bags on his shoulder as he opens the front door and Dan all at once feels like he should take it back. That, and that they can't just let themselves in to the house. Even though this is Phil's family, and of course he should be able to just walk in, it's never been Phil's home, this is not the place of his childhood, and Dan feels out of place following in behind him. 

"Hello!" Phil calls. 

Kath comes round the corner from the kitchen holding a tea towel. Her entire face stretches in to a wide smile and he throws her arms wide. 

"You're here," she says. "Why didn't you text when you landed?" 

She envelopes Dan first, because he's closest, and no one seems to think this is strange. 

Phil puts both bags down and gets his hug too. 

"Nige," Kath shouts into the house, "They're here!" 

Phil's dad comes through from the living room with a "hello, hello hello."

He hugs Phil and slaps Dan on the shoulder with a wide grin and it's all very friendly and welcoming and Dan could cry. Hormones, he tells himself, and lack of sleep. 

Phil is nervous. Dan can tell from the way he's vibrating slightly with frantic energy, he thinks Phil might blurt it out right then and there but they've decided they're going to do it at dinner, not before. 

"It's a pity your brother couldn't come," Kath says, eyeing Phil a little. 

Dan thinks she's probably clocked the way Phil is feeling. He is, after all, her youngest. She probably has all his minute mannerisms down as much as Dan does. Moreso, probably. 

"Why?" Phil asks. 

"I don't know. It might have been nice if we could all get together. I did ask, but he's busy. Some work thing." 

Phil makes an agreeing sound. He knows Martyn is busy, they'd had a meeting last week about it and debated telling him right then and there. Dan argued that Phil's parents would be devastated if Martyn knew before them though, and that had absolutely nothing to do with his fear of the way Martyn might look at him if he knew. Like Dan had done something terrible, trapped Phil and ruined his life entirely.

They'll have to catch up with him soon though, grab a quick coffee or something. Dan will have to face up to it eventually. But not yet. 

"You boys want to go on a walk before dinner?" Nigel asks. "we've got time, haven't we love?" 

Kath nods, "Dinner will be about half an hour. I'd have had it ready for you but you didn't text." 

"Sorry," Phil says. "I can come with you Dad, but I think Dan was a bit tired actually." 

"I'm fine," Dan says, even though he doesn't particularly go on a walk, he just resents Phil speaking for him. 

"You fell asleep on the plane, Dan." 

"I'm fine Phil, god." 

Dan's voice is hard, a touch louder than is really appropriate and he knows his face must look like thunder. 

"Well it was just an idea," Nigel says diplomatically. "We can go tomorrow maybe. I'm sure you boys want to get settled anyway, we probably wouldn't get very far." 

Dan tries to make his face look as apologetic as he feels. He's screwing this up, but he just feels off kilter and nervous, tripping over everything he says and worried that every little thing Phil says could be taken the wrong way. 

Maybe it is best to get this over with, rip off the plaster, because he can't keep feeling like this for any longer, uncertain and worried, at least once they've told people he'll know what their reactions are. He has a tendency to build these things up in his head and imagine the worst. 

"Up you go then," Kath says. "I've put you in the back room, Dan." 

He does love the familiarity. The way he knows this house that isn't his. He recognises the squeak of the top stair and how the tap in the main bathroom takes a moment to kick in when you turn it. 

He knows the length of the corridors in the dark and how if he's really quiet he can hear Phil shuffling around in his bedroom through the wall. 

When they're all there, Martyn and Corn too, Dan and Phil sleep together. It's not weird, because they've been doing it for ages and any embarrassment Dan felt about that has long since been forgotten. But tonight, Dan gets the second guest room all to himself. 

He tries not to think about why there is a tiny spike of disappointment threaded through him as they climb the stairs. 

"Sorry," Phil says when they reach the bit of the landing where their bedroom doors part. "I didn't... I'm kind of nervous. I wasn't thinking." 

Dan sighs, "I mean, same. I'm nervous too. But mostly... look, you have to stop doing this overprotective thing. I'm fine." 

"I know that," Phil says. "I do. I know. But I can't... Just... Let me take care of you."

Phil's face floods a light pink in the dimness of the hallway. 

"I mean," he corrects, "We're in this together, Dan. You're doing all the heavy lifting but... let me help. I want to help." 

That sounds nice. That by taking care of Dan he's actually taking care of the baby. It feels wrong, a bit, like he should be able to do all of this by himself, but it must feel weird for Phil too. Dan has a daily reminder of the baby, his body changing and a whole myriad of symptoms but Phil just has Dan. Maybe he can relax a little, accept some help when it's offered. 

"Alright," he says, "I'll... I'll try. Just, back off just a little. There are other ways, okay? Like, I'll let you do the literal heavy lifting when we have to re-arrange the house. And I promise when I get absolutely massive and can't see my own feet I'll let you tie my shoelaces. But, for now, I just want to be normal for a while." 

Phil nods, his mouth still a little tight at the corners. 

"Are _you_ okay?" Dan says, realising he might not even have thought to ask. 

"I am," Phil nods. "I mean, I'm more nervous now I'm here. I hadn't even thought how I'd say it because I thought it would be easy. I was excited but now..." 

"I know," Dan says. 

He leans forward, reaching out to take Phil's hand where it's holding on to the strap of his bag. Phil lets go easily, sliding their fingers together so that Dan can give him a reassuring squeeze. He doesn't know why this feels like something he should do, but he wants to offer some form of physical contact, something to let him know they're in this together. 

"We'll figure it out," Dan says. 

Phil's hand tightens around his in response. His hand fits in to Dan's so easily now, they've learned how to do this, have done it numerous times since this whole thing began. 

It's strange that they weren't really that physical outside of sex before now. That somehow the odd sexual encounter was separate from everything else, existed in its own bubble. 

Dan thinks that bubble has probably popped now, had blipped out of existence as soon as it caused all of this. But at least they have this. Phil's hand in Dan's, the soft stroke of his thumb over Phil's knuckles. 

"Yeah," Phil says, "We will."


	8. Chapter Eight

Phil's hand is warm as it strokes through his hair, but it makes him jump and his whole body flinches. 

"Sorry," Phil says, above him. "Didn't mean you startle you." 

"S'ok." 

"You fell asleep. Dinner's ready." 

Dan nods, and Phil moves his hand slowly, stroking through the curls of his fringe one final time before dropping it to his side. 

He stands and he follows Phil down the stairs, still a little foggy.

Kath is dishing up spaghetti bolognese and it smells absolutely amazing. He's thankful his nausea is under control now, if it had been a few week sago he might not have been able to keep it together. 

"Hi sleepyhead," Kath greets him. 

Dan gives her a soft, small smile and sits at the table. 

"Are you boys staying up too late playing computer games?" she asks. 

"No," Phil says, but turns to look at Dan with a wonky little grin. 

He's being suspicious as hell which is probably why his mum cottons on to something being up almost right away. 

"What?" she says, standing behind her chair with a serving spoon in one hand. "What's going on?" 

Phil gets a bit panicked, turning his gaze between Dan and his mum and Dan feels a laugh bubbling up in his throat. It's not funny, it's really not, and he's still really nervous about how this will go but Phil's face is an absolute picture. 

"Kath love," Nigel says from the head of the table, "leave them alone." 

"No Nige, I know something going on. What is it? Are you ill?" 

She's looking at Dan now, peering at him intently, searching his face as though that might give her some sort of clue. 

"He's not... it's not that." Phil says. 

"But it is something? I knew you didn't come all the way here just because you missed your old mum." 

"Of course I did. I mean, I would do that, but.." Phil is babbling, nervously running all his sentences together, talking too quickly. "Um..." 

Dan reaches over to where Phil's hand is fidgeting on the tabletop and covers his fingers with the flat of his palm, stilling them. 

Kath's eyes go a little wide and Dan moves his hand quickly. He hadn't been thinking at all, the last thing he needs is for Phil's parents to get a completely wrong idea, especially considering what the actual situation is.

"Philip," Kath says, "do you want to start talking?" 

She doesn't seem mad, at least, not yet. 

"Will you sit down?" Phil asks. 

Kath does as she's asked and pulls out a chair opposite them. She puts the serving spoon back in the bowl and regards them both with an expectant expression. Nigel has leaned forward, elbows poised either side of his plate. 

"Just, Phil, let's just tell them." Dan whispers. 

Phil turns, his wild, manic face still wide and lost but he nods. 

To their credit, Kath and Nigel wait until Phil has it together enough to talk. And Phil, he maintains eye contact the entire time. 

"We were going to wait until after dinner," Phil says, "Or at least... I didn't think it would go like...this." 

Dan wants to offer some more reassurance but he doesn't really know how without raising more questions than they're answering. 

"We've got some news," Dan offers, picking up where Phil seems to have trailed off. 

"Yes," Phil agrees. "It's good news, promise." 

"That's wonderful, love." Kath says. 

"Yeah, great kiddo." Nigel adds, "But.. you're going to have to fill us in a little bit." 

"Okay," Phil sighs. "Well... the thing is... Dan's pregnant." 

There's only a second of silence before they respond, but to Dan it seems to stretch on and out, spinning away from him as time stands still and he imagines all the horrible ways this could go. 

"Oh," Kath says first, "That's... lovely." 

"Yeah," Nigel says. "I mean we didn't... but, great. Congratulations, Dan." 

Dan's stomach sinks, a lurching jolt. "Oh," he says. "um, thanks." 

That isn't the right thing to say at all. 

"Uh..." Phil says, "no. I mean, oh God. I mean that Dan is pregnant and we... it's... mine. We're... well, we're having a baby." 

His shoulders are hunched, he's slipped down in his chair like he wants to disappear underneath it completely and avoid this conversation. He's trying to make himself smaller, like their youngest son once was, small and vulnerable and silently begging them not to be mad. 

Dan understands that urge completely. 

Kath swallows once and Nigel's smile slips just momentarily. Dan holds his breath. Phil leans towards him, a fraction of an inch, and Dan shuffles his foot over under the table to press his toes against the side of his foot. 

Phil jumps, but presses his own foot back against him. 

"Oh Phil," Kath says finally. 

"We're really happy about it, Mum," Phil says, cutting her off. 

"Oh, you silly boy. So are we." 

Nigel nods, "Its a bit of a shock, I'll grant you. But yes boys, of course we're... we're really... well, it's great, isn't it? A grandchild. I'm gunna be a grandpa!" 

Nigel stands and Dan takes that as a sign he's supposed to do the same and suddenly he's being pulled in to a hug. 

"Wonderful news," he says, patting Dan's back with a sturdy hand as he pulls away. "We didn't even know you were together. Not really." 

Kath has one hand over her mouth and he eyes look a little twinkly. 

"My baby boy," she says. "And you Dan. I've know you since you were... oh my gosh. A baby." 

Phil stands up then, too, moving over to the other side of the table to hug his mum.

"We suspected you were..." she says, her voice a little choked. "You could have told _us_ you know. I know it's not easy for you, with your jobs and that, but to not tell your own mum."

"Mum..." Phil says. "We're not." 

"What?" 

"We're not... together." Dan says, from his seat. "Sorry. I..." 

"It was just..." Phil says.

"My heat," Dan supplies. "we didn't know." 

Both of Phil's parents look on the edge of scandalised but it must be a bit odd for them to think of their youngest child having casual, unprotected sex. With his best friend. Hell, Dan can hardly get his head around it sometimes except that they've been doing it on and off for so long it's all sort of lost it's impact in the oddness stakes. 

"Sorry." Phil says, small and quiet. 

"Well," Kath says. "At least you're not a stranger, Dan." 

"Yes," Nigel nods, "you're practically one of us." 

Kath pats Phil on the cheek and moves away. "Come on then, dinner is getting cold." 

"Did you..." Dan starts once they're all sat down. He clears his throat, "did you want to see the sonogram?" 

Kath's face lights up, "Oh yes please." 

Dan pulls his wallet from his back pocket and fishes the small square photograph from the back of it. He hands it over and watches as Kath holds it between her and Nigel, both of them leaning in to get a good look at it. 

"Oh look, Nige!" 

"They've got your nose, Phil." 

Phil laughs, "Oh no, I hope not." 

They stare, for ages. Dan wonders if that's what he'd looked like the first time he saw the baby, a little thunderstruck, but happy. 

After a while they pass the photograph back over the table and Dan looks at it once before he puts it away. 

"How far along?" Kath asks. 

"About thirteen-fourteen weeks," Dan says. "Change over day is a Sunday so... I'll be fourteen weeks the day after tomorrow." 

"How have you been?" 

Dan laughs, "a bit sick, just... tired." 

"You will be," Kath says, "you're growing an entirely new human. that takes some energy. I hope Phil is looking after you." 

Dan turns and grins at Phil warmly, "he is." 

"If you need anything, either of you, you let us know." Nigel says. 

"Thanks, Dad," Phil says. 

"We mean it Phil, anything at all. And we'll come to you next time alright?" she tuts, "I can't believe you let Dan fly over here." 

"I'm fine," Dan says. "The internet says it's perfectly safe to--" 

"I don't care what the internet says," Kath responds, a little scolding, "after you get home no more flying, alright?" 

"Alright." 

Dan feels warm, something blooming in his chest at how concerned they are about him. 

The rest of dinner passes, filled with chatter about the baby and whether they're prepared anything yet. They tell them that they're not going to move, that they're changing the gaming room into a nursery. They stay far away from the subject of what happens later, even Phil's parents know that's something best left alone. 

They fuss over Dan and ask him whether he's told his parents yet. 

"They're next," he tells them. 

And he mostly means it.


	9. Chapter Nine

Dan offers to help clean up after dinner. He can see Phil wanting to protest out of the corner of his eye but Kath just says thank you and gestures towards some plates so Phil manages to suppress whatever over-protective instinct he'd had and stay quiet. 

Dan stacks a couple of plates and carries them through to the kitchen where Kath has the dishwasher open. 

"Just put them on the side," she says. 

Dan puts the plates down and, feeling a little like a spare part as Kath stacks the crockery in the machine with practised ease, begins to gather the pans from the hob as well. 

"So," Kath says, "Just between us carriers, how are you really feeling?" 

"Sorry?"

"I remember what it's like to be pregnant. And, as attentive as Nigel was and as hard as I'm sure Phil is trying, they'll never really _get_ it will they?" 

"I... I'm fine," Dan insists. "Like I said, just tired."

Kath looks over at him still bent over the dishwasher, and raises an eyebrow. 

"I had a bit of a thing because of my stupid circulation problem," Dan says, "But I'm fine. They're monitoring it. It won't be an issue." 

Kath hums. 

Dan is still holding the pan. He doesn't really know what to do with it and he feels awkward as all hell just stood here in the kitchen. 

"And the rest of it?" Kath says, standing.

"What do you mean?"

"Oh, Daniel." 

She's looking at him with such fondness now, like he's something cute an. 

"This was all so sudden, love. I just mean... are you alright?" 

Dan feel his eyes prick. He swallows past a lump rising in his throat and nods. 

"We're fine, Phil's been great." 

Kath shakes her head. "That's not what I'm asking." 

Dan bites the inside of his cheek and tries to stave off the tears just a bit. These hormones are so goddamn stupid and they sneak up on him at the most inopportune times. 

This isn't how it will be at his parent's house. He's still formulating a plan for how the hell he's going to handle that conversation, whether there will be any fudging of facts on his side to account for how they ended up in this mess. 

Kath, on the other hand, she doesn't require any lies or softening of the story. She knows everything, and she's still here with her kindness and her gentle tone, asking Dan how he is, regardless of Phil. 

"I'm sorry," Dan says, surprising even himself. "I'm so sorry. I... I didn't mean for this to happen." 

He sucks in a harsh breath, finding it hard to drag in as much oxygen as he needs against a large bubble of guilt expanding in his windpipe.

"Shh, shh, it's okay," Kath says.

She moves to wrap her arms around him. She's tiny, her head reaches the middle of his chest and while he's doesn't feel enveloped, he does feel a certain amount of affection when she winds her arms up around his shoulders, pulling his head downwards with gentle insistence, and holds on tight. 

"I should have been better," Dan says into the fabric of her jumper. "I shouldn't have done this to Phil." 

He isn't quite crying, but his face feels hot and his eyes hurt with the strain of not doing so. His voice comes out raspy and choked, broken sounding. 

"You haven't done anything," Kath says. She's rubbing a hand over his shoulder blades, back and forth. It's calming, soothing and motherly, like Dan is one of her own. "You boys are... well I'm not going to remark on our relationship or what you choose to do, and I'm not going to pretend that you couldn't have been a bit more careful both of you, but I understand." 

Dan shakes his head, "No. I did this. I forgot my pills and my heat... I didn't even notice." 

"I know," Kath says, pulling back a bit to look at him. "Heats are tricky little things and if you're taking those contraceptive pills it can throw them off all over the place. Believe me, I've had a few near misses in my time. We nearly ended up with a third kid." 

"Really?" 

"Oh yeah, but thank goodness we didn't. Phil was such a strange one I don't think I could have done it again." 

Dan sniffs. He still isn't crying, but his eyes are a little damp and there's pressure building in his head. 

"Let's hope this one doesn't take after him, eh?" Kath says, patting him lightly on the stomach. 

"So..." Dan steels himself, taking a slow long breath. "You're not... mad?" 

"Dan." 

When she says his name she sounds like Phil. It's the same tone Phil has when Dan has said something stupid and he's just out of words, or when Dan is being particularly self deprecating and Phil has had just about enough of it.

"I'm going to be really honest with you," Kath says. "Because you've never struck me as the type of person that needs to be tiptoed around. Sometimes my Phil needs to hear things a certain way but I don't think you do, do you?" 

"No I can... Thanks." 

"We were surprised," Kath says. "Mainly because... well, I guess because we didn't know you were a carrier. You've never mentioned it." 

"I..." 

Dan hasn't mentioned it. He doesn't, as a rule, because what possible circumstance could there be where he could bring it up? And is it really that remarkable, does it have to be? 

"It never came up." 

"You didn't have to keep it a secret." 

"It wasn't a secret," Dan says. "I just... it isn't something I talk about. I..." 

"I know it's can be..." Kath starts before shaking her head. "Well, people assume things, don't they?"

People do assume things. Half the population are carriers and only a quarter of them are men and Dan hates feeling like something to be remarked upon. 

Even more, he hates the way people look when they find out. They get a knowing look in their eye and often give Phil another glance as if they're working something out that isn't there to be worked out. 

Dan isn't gay, because that isn't how it works. Regardless of what some people think about how his biology should dictate his attraction, it doesn't. 

He's been with women, carriers and not and there has been Phil. There has always been Phil, on and off, but he refuses to think that has anything to do with his reproductive system. Because it doesn't. 

He's not sure what it's to do with, honestly, other than bad decision making, but it isn't his goddamn ability to bear children.

"They do," Dan says. "With our job we... well it was just best not to. you know how it is." 

Kath nods, because she does know. 

"It's not for me to comment on your choices, love. I only meant that... well that was the only reason we were surprised, okay?" 

"Okay." 

Dan still has the pan in his hand. He's got it swinging at his side now, dangling from one wrist. He shifts to put it in the dishwasher, still open and half full. 

"What we said at dinner," Kath says. "About you being one of us, we meant it." 

"Uh, sure," Dan says. 

"Dan," Kath says in that voice again. "You are part of this family. Have been since very near the beginning, I think. I've always thought of you as... well, an extension of my family. I hope... well, I hope you feel like you are." 

"I..." 

Dan finally gives in and lets a couple of tears fall on his face. It's embarrassing and he looks away when it starts to happen.

"Oh god," he says, "sorry. I'm a mess at the moment. Hormones." 

"Yeah," Kath says, "hormones." 

He breathes for a moment, wiping his face with the cuff of on sleeve. 

"I... I do feel like that," he says. 

He might not have, before now. It might have been a small shameful thing he let himself believe at certain moments, basking in the glow of this tight-knit home in the run up to Christmas, or on the family holidays he somehow keeps getting invited on. 

Dan has been intruding on Lester family occasions for so long now, but the feeling of being an imposter never really went away. Like he was waiting for the moment he went too far, did too much, overstepped. 

But now... he can let himself enjoy it knowing they want him here.

"Good," Kath says. 

She reaches up to pat at his face a little bit, right over his cheek, and Dan smiles against her hand. 

"Go on, get out from under my feet, you must still be tired. Early night." 

"I'm fine. I can still help what do you--" 

"Daniel," Kath says, "being part of this family means listening to me when I tell you to do something. now go on, upstairs for an early night. Get." 

"Okay, okay," Dan says. 

He can't help the smile on his face at her gentle chiding, her fussing around him feels warm and fond, loving maybe. 

"Everything is going to be okay, Dan," she says as he goes.

"Yeah," he says, "I think it might."


	10. Chapter Ten

Dan is laying on the guest bed, back in the ruffle of blankets he'd made when he was here just over an hour ago, and he's surprised to find he's still tired. Maybe travelling had been a bit much, or perhaps the day has just been a bit emotional between the nerves and the build up to the dinner and then... well, then Kath being so nice to him. 

It sets his thought reeling so that while he's tired, his brain buzzes behind his closed eyes and he can't fully settle. He's still awake when Phil knocks softly on his door. 

"Come in," Dan says. 

Phil shuffles in. He's changed in to his pyjamas and he's holding his laptop in one hand, long fingers curved over the edge of the keyboard. 

"You okay?" 

"Yeah."

Phil smiles, obviously relieved. "Did you... I thought we could... watch something?" 

"I've been given strict instructions by your mum to get an early night," Dan laughs, moving over to make room for Phil on the bed. 

"I know, she said." Phil chuckles and takes a seat next to him, leaning against the headboard with his laptop on his thighs. Dan's head is still on his pillow, nestled up close to Phil's hip. He doesn't feel a need to move. 

"I am actually tired," Dan says, quietly. "I might fall asleep." 

"That's okay," Pil says, squinting at the screen in the darkness, turning the brightness down. "We'll just watch until you fall asleep?" 

"Okay." 

Trust Phil to know he needs some companionship right now. He feels like he's been flayed a little raw by everything, not to mention the awful something tugging at the back of his brain, keeping him awake. 

Phil naviates to Netflix in silence and selects a show they've seen a fair few times. Just something they don't really have to pay attention to. The actual watching of something isn't what this is about. 

Dan pulls his knees up so that they're almost pressed to Phil's curved inward on himself, making himself comfortable. The sound of the show on low volume fills the room and he can feel the warmth and rhythmic quality of Phil's breathing beside him. 

His mind is still whirring with everything, and he knows he needs to say something to Phil. Kind, lovely Phil whose family has welcomed him with open arms. Dan needs to tell him that it won't be the same for him, that Dan's family won't take it as kindly. 

Dan has his eyes shut and he's contemplating whether he should say anything at all, whether he should break this perfect serene moment with all of that nonsense, when Phil's hand comes down to pet at his hair. 

It's enough to make him break. The tears from earlier at threatening to come back, because Dan doesn't deserve all of this. Look what he's putting Phil through and here he is, comforting him, when none of this can be easy for him either. 

"Phil," Dan whispers. 

"Yes, Dan?" 

His hand stays on Dan's head, running the tips of his fingers through the curls of Dan's fringe. 

"Your mum said I was one of the family." 

"I know." 

"I liked it." 

It feels like a solemn confession. To tell Phil that he likes being part of his family seems huge and something he can't take back, but it's true and real and he doesn't want to shy away from it. 

"You are, Dan. You're my family."

Dan hums a little as Phil's hand changes direction, running the pads of his fingers down over the shorn parts of his hair at his temple, lifting the hair in the opposite direction, applying a light pressure that soothes him. 

Phil hasn't looked away from the screen and Dan hasn't looked at it at all. The room is dim and the glow of the screen is turned down and they could almost pretend they aren't having this conversation at all, if they like. 

"Phil..." Dan says. "You know my family won't be the same."

"Mm," Phil hums in answer. "It's okay." 

"I'm sorry." 

Phil's hand pauses and Dan can feel him turn his head to look down at him. Dan doesn't open his eyes, he doesn't move a muscle, just lets Phil look and see whatever it is he wants to. He doesn't take his hand off Dan's head. 

"It's not your fault," he says finally, "It's nobody's fault. It's just... the way it is." 

Dan squeeze his eyes shut tighter and Phil's hand starts up again, as if he knows how hard that is to hear. 

"I'm such a disappointment," Dan says. 

"Not to me." 

"But to them I am. Dropped out of uni, career no one can understand and now an accidental pregnancy... " 

"It doesn't matter what they think." 

"But it does, Phil. They're not like your family, why can't they be like your family? They're going to... Oh god, Phil, they'll blame you. Maybe. It won't be pretty." 

Phil just flexes his fingers in Dan's hair, scratching lightly. "I can handle it." 

"But you shouldn't _have_ to." Dan chokes out a derisive laugh. "It just... like it's fucking ironic, isn't it? Your family is all traditional and stuff, and they're fine. My parents... they weren't even married when I was born and they're not still together now and yet... they're going to make a big deal out of it." 

Phil picks up the laptop, taking his hand off Dan's head. He shuffles down a bit so that Dan's head is level with his chest. He puts the laptop back down on his lower stomach and hooks his arm up to pet at Dan's head again. 

Dan is almost under his arm. He's curled up so close to him that they could be cuddling, Phil might even let him, if he picked his head up and tucked himself into Phil's shoulder, slung his arm over his waist. Phil would let him. 

He doesn't move. 

"Dan," Phil says. "This is between me and you, it doesn't matter what they think. I don't care what they think." 

"I just wish... I wish there was some way to make them less... you know, weird about it."

"Is there?" 

Dan's eye open and he looks up at Phil who is gazing down at him with an assessing stare. 

"What?" 

"You... Dan you're doing that thing where you're talking round and round about something because you're afraid to say what's on your mind." 

"I don't do that." 

"You do." 

Dan huffs and closes his eyes again. His twitches his head a bit against Phil's hand, silently asking him to continue. 

"Even if I do, that's not what's going on here." 

"Are you sure?" 

Dan bites his lip and focuses on the drag of Phil's hand in his hair. He does have something he wants to suggest, but it's just so... Phil will never go for it. 

But Phil is staying silent, because he's giving Dan room to talk about this at his own pace. He isn't going to get any more conversation out of him until he says what he's thinking. Besides, maybe if he actually voices his absolutely stupid thought process, Phil will just put a stop to it and then he can get on with thinking about how to handle this whole think like a grown up instead. 

"I think... their main problem will be that we aren't together. I can probably get them to understand how we'd end up pregnant. You saw your parents reaction to the Heat thing, it... it happens, right? I'm pretty sure thats what happened to my parents, honestly. It's just..." Dan sighs. the more he talks about it the more he realises that it all boils down to the same thing it always does. "The bit they're going to be pissed about is... you know, Dan making poor decisions again. Dan being too fucking stupid and reckless and jumping into things without thinking about them." 

"The..." Phil sucks in a breath, "You think their problem will be you sleeping with me?" 

"Not because it's _you_ ," Dan says, hurriedly. "Just... because I'm a fuck up. I messed up my pills and I'd been having sex without being in a relationship without thought for the consequences. It's just one more way Dan has screwed up his life... that's the bit they'll have a problem with." 

The show on the laptop continues on but Dan holds his breath. 

"So... you think the problem is that we're not in a relationship?" 

Fuck. Dan's heart is pounding in his chest and he feels hot inside his clothes. He's only laying on top of the bed, not yet even in his pyjamas but a sheet of burning heat floods over his body, a sharp sinking sensation stabbing him in the stomach. 

Can he really do this? It he really going to suggest this stupid, mad idea? 

"I think... if they thought we were, if we let them think we were... then it might be easier." Dan lets out the breath he's holding, not because he feels any sense of relief but because it's starting to hurt where it's wound up in his chest. "For you, mostly." 

"You know I don't care what--" 

"For me too," Dan admits. "It would be easier... for me. But we don't have to... ahh this is so stupid, I'm sorry. Obviously we're not going to..." 

"Dan." 

Neither of them are even paying attention to the screen anymore. The sound is low and the glow of the screen has washed them out into a grayscale shimmer, sapped all the colour from Phil's red Buffy t-shirt, and glinting highlights on to the edges of Dan's black one. It's like they're both sketched out in a wash of badly mixed watercolour. 

"I..."

Dan has his eyes open, he watches as Phil bites his lip and shakes himself a little. He still has the hand on Dan's head but at this point his fingers aren't moving and it's like he's just cupping the back of Dan's skull, holding him close. His fingers are dipped low on the nape of his neck and Dan shivers a bit. 

"Just... say it," Phil says. 

"Phil..." 

"Tell me what you want to do, Dan." 

Dan swallows, letting his eyes flutter closed for a second because it's difficult to look at Phil. 

"I thought..." Dan says, stuttering over the words as if they are laden with something heavy and it hurts to get them out. It does, a bit. "I just don't want my parents to look at me like that again. I can't... It's happened too many times. Just once I want them to be happy for me." 

"So... what? You want to tell them we're together?" 

Dan lets his head nods, just a little bit, his hair rustling on the pillow and Phil's hand dislodging. 

"Forget it," Dan says when Phil doesn't reply, doesn't put his hand back on Dan's head, doesn't smile or agree or even tell him he's a fucking idiot. "It was stupid." 

"No..." Phil gently places his hand what where it was on Dan's head, but he isn't stroking, he has no excuse for it being there and it surprises Dan a little so that he jumps. "We... we can. I don't care." 

"You don't care?"

"I mean... I care that it's necessary. Like, I wish they wouldn't... I don't like that you feel like you have to. But I really don't care if they think that we're... it won't really have much of an impact, will it?" 

Dan has thought about this. The thought has been brewing in his head since he found out because of course it has. It's ridiculous, perverse in a way, that he'd pretend to be in a relationship with Phil when they are clearly anything but. 

It's perverse, but it won't be difficult. And if it's only at a distance, if it's only his parents and if he presses upon them how important it is to their careers that they say nothing... then no, there won't be any big impact.

"We can just... we'll tell them that we are and then we won't have to... you know, do much else. I don't think much will... change." 

That also feels like a confession. That what they have is so close anyway that there will be little difference if they just push the lines of what is believed. Lines that, despite everything, they have kept firmly in place. 

They're closer than most, and they dip in and out of the physical stuff almost unconsciously but... they're never pretended to be anything other than what they are. They're never entertained the notion of being anything other than what they are. And that suits them both. 

It's just that acknowledging how close to it they already are isn't something they discuss overtly either. 

"What happens when..." Phil starts. 

And there it is. That big, scary future thing they're been avoiding. When. When they realise this is a stupid idea, when the baby is born, when it's older, when it starts asking questions... when Phil finds an actual family. What happens then? 

"It..." Dan can feel himself frowning, thought he hadn't consciously decided to. "things don't work out all the time." 

"We break up?" Phil asks. 

What is with Phil tonight and tackling everything head on? Dan hates when he's like this, all practicality and straight lines, not letting Dan get away with avoiding things like he usually does. 

"We tell them it didn't work out, yes," Dan says, "but we'll still be friends. It'll be... amicable." 

"Amicable," Phil repeats. 

"Yeah. I just thought... just while they used to it. Until we have... stuff figured out. Like we with the house and stuff. Once we've got all of that figured out then we'll just let them know that we're not together anymore. They should be over it by then. And... well they can't really say anything about break ups having negative effects on the kid, can they? Wouldn't want to be hypocrites after all." 

"Sounds like you've got it all worked out," Phil says. 

"Not... Okay, I'm sorry." 

Phil's fingers twitch on his head and he's almost stroking the skin of Dan's neck as his hand starts moving again. Up and down in a maddening sweep that makes Dan's arms break out in goosebumps. He tries not to let it show. 

"No it's... Okay. Fine. Let's do it, alright? It can't... if it'll make you feel..." Phil sighs, "It'll be fine." 

"Are you sure? You don't sound sure." 

"I'm sure. We'll just deal with the whole break up thing when we need to. We're making this in to a big deal and it doesn't need to be. Like, it's just your parents, we never really see them anyway." 

"Right." 

"But you have to... _we_ have to tell them that it can't go any further than them. Like, tell them that's why we didn't say anything to them before. Because it's really important--" 

"I know, Phil. I know." 

He knows how important it is that it doesn't get out. He can't even think about the consequences of that, of what it might mean. There's already so much speculation, and they're not usually bothered by it apart from being faintly amused, but it is a consideration. Something their management wouldn't be happy to sideswiped by.

"Alright, then." 

And there isn't anything else to say. Phil turns his head back to look at the screen and Dan lays awake thinking for a few more minutes, but the gentle back and forth of Phil's hand on his neck doesn't stop and Dan concentrates on how nice it feels, how soothed he is by a simple touch, and slowly, surely, he falls to sleep.


	11. Chapter Eleven

_15 Weeks_

"An apple," Phil says. 

"Excuse me?" 

Phil is slouched on the sofa in the upstairs lounge. Phil had suggested the downstairs one where the sofa had the extra space for Dan to stretch his legs out, but Dan wants to do it here, in their grown up nicely decorated lounge with the sun coming in through the windows. It reminds him of the life that they've built here, and that he needs to stand firm against what will probably be a difficult conversation. 

"An apple," Phil says again, "according to this, the baby is about the size of an apple." 

Phil has been doing baby research for a while now. It seems to make him feel better to do the reading. 

"They've got like soft hair all over them as well, until they're big enough to keep themselves warm." 

"Is it not warm enough inside there," says Dan, sitting down next to Phil and patting the slight pudge of his stomach. He doesn't really look pregnant yet, but he does look like he's put on a bit of weight around his middle. 

His eyes are a little dark too, like he hasn't slept, and Phil assures him this is just a symptom at this stage of his pregnancy and nothing to worry about. Phil is full of crazy facts these days. 

"It's warm," Phil assures him, "but baby needs to regulate their temperature and the hair is the best way to do it." 

Dan just hums and looks down at the phone in his hand, flipping it over to the back and then round to the screen again. 

"Are my distraction techniques not working?" Phil asks, putting the laptop down. 

"Dunno," Dan says. "Not really." 

"You can wait a few more days," Phil says. 

"No. No it's been a week since we came back from your parents, we really do have to tell them. It's probably getting a bit unfair to them at this point." 

Dan unlocks the screen on his phone and looks down at his contacts. 

He thinks back to the morning after he fell asleep watching the show with Phil. He'd felt rested for the first time in ages, comfortable and warm, and was surprised to find that Phil had fallen asleep as well. 

The laptop was no longer on his stomach, now on the bedside table, but Phil was sleeping next to him, his hand still in Dan's hair. 

He didn't expect it to be awkward, because they'd shared a bed multiple times, but something about knowing this wasn't out of necessity made Dan's stomach twist, and he'd slipped out of bed to brush his teeth before Phil woke up. 

Things had gone back to normal, of course they had, but something lingered for a little while. 

The research had started not long after. 

"You don't have to be here," Dan says. 

"I do," Phil insists, "I _want_ to." 

Dan breathes in shakily before jabbing his finger at his mum's phone number. He's starting there. He'll let the news get to his dad on the grapevine, he doesn't really fancy an actual conversation with him. 

Not that he wants to have one with his mum any more than that, but at least there's a chance she won't be too mad if she thinks--

"Are you sure?" Dan says, finger over the call button. "About..." 

Phil reaches over, slotting the pad of his thumb onto the top of Dan's thumb nail and pressing down. 

"I'm sure."

The phone switches into the call window and Dan rushes to press the loudspeaker button. Phil's hand is still hovering over top of his and he lets it stay there. 

He puts the phone on the coffee table, the loud buzz of the ringing filling their living room. 

"Hello?" his mum's voice says. 

Dan starts a little, panic washing through him for what is to come, and he grabs on to Phil's hand, holding it in his own. Phil squeezes back tight, grounding him, he doesn't let go.

"Hi Mum." 

"Hi Dan, are you okay?" 

"Yeah, yeah I'm fine. Phil's here." 

He can hear the surprise in his mum's voice at that. It isn't something he's really done before. 

"Hi Phil." 

"Hello," Phil says, on his best behaviour. "How are you?" 

"Oh I'm fine," she says. "To what do I owe the pleasure of you boys calling me?" 

"Err..." Dan says. "Actually we... um, we have some news." 

"Ohh, okay," his mum says, and her voice had gone all high pitched, affected with an adopted excitement. "What are you both up to now?" 

Oh god. Dan gets the distinct impression that she thinks this is about work, some new exciting opportunity they're taken on, an award they've won. It's not like there isn't precedent for him ringing her about things like that. 

"It's not about work, mum." 

There is a pause. "Okay..." 

Dan makes eye contact with Phil, he's so familiar and so close, Dan wishes he were back in that bed with Phil's hand in his hair, the comfort of warm family and his problems far far away. 

"Phil and I… we're…" 

Why is it so difficult to get the words out? Why can't he just force them in to existence, skip the part where he actually has to say them and have them appear fully formed and already reacted to. 

Phil swipes his thumb over Dan's knuckles. It's featherlight, accidental maybe. 

"We're having a baby," Dan says, words running together. 

"A baby?" his mum says. 

"Yes. I'm… I'm pregnant." 

He can hear the sound of her breathing on the other end as silence spread between them. There is no happy exclamation, no sound of a smile. Only silence. This is nothing like Kath and Nigel, but Dan hadn't expected it to be. 

"I didn't know you were trying," is what she says, after a while.

"Oh. No we… it wasn't exactly planned," Dan says, trying to sound like a mature adult, "But we've talked about it and we're in a good enough position financially. We're… I mean, we're happy about it." 

He's consciously choosing his words to make it sound like they'd agreed. That he and Phil are in a relationship, he's just shocked by the fact that he hasn't said anything that isn't true. They had talked about it, they are happy about it. 

"Well then of course that's great," his mum says. She doesn't sound as effusive with her sentiment in the way Kath had been, but that's not what his mum is like. He hadn't expected her to jump for joy. At least she's not shouting. 

"Yeah," Dan says. 

Phil's thumb moves on his skin again. 

"Daniel, could you take me off speakerphone for a minute?" 

Oh god. Here it comes. 

Dan reaches out and flicks the speaker phone off, pressing the phone to his ear. 

"It's off." 

"Sorry," she says, and she sounds genuinely regretful. "I just… I don't want phil to think I'm being funny." 

"He doesn't," Dan says, smiling over at Phil who, sure enough, just looks at him with such supportive solidarity it makes Dan a little weak.

"I hadn't realised… well, you're not very forthcoming with your life Daniel. You could have said something… about you and Phil." 

"I thought you knew," Dan says. That's safe, that's not him saying the words. 

He doesn't even know if he could bring himself to say it outright. 

"I mean we all thought…" she laughs a little thinly and it echoes on the phone line, "everyone thinks that. I guess I wasn't sure if… but it has been a long time. Maybe I should have just assumed." 

Dan bites his lip. This is harder than he'd thought it would be, to craft their situation into something else, it's making him feel a little off kilter, like his world view is just a little skewed. 

What is most striking about it though is how little it's had to move, how with only a gentle push and absolutely no encouragement, she's believing everything. 

"No," Dan says, "I could have been more up front. It's just…" 

Phil is trying not to pry, Dan can tell, his head turned away slightly, but he's still got Dan's hand help so carefully in his and his thumb is still tracing those paths across his knuckles. 

"What, Dan?" his mum says, and he realises he's been silent this entire time. 

"With work, it's difficult. It's really important that this doesn't… go anywhere. Please." 

Phil's lips part a little and Dan's watches his shoulders rise and fall as his sighs softly. Relief maybe, or trepidation. 

"Who would I tell?" his mum asks, sounding slightly put out. "It's not like I know anyone you know. You don't exactly introduce me to everyone you know." 

"Mum," Dan says, being careful to keep his tone even and the frustration out of his voice, "I know. But I meant… well… don't be all obvious about it on Facebook and everything." 

His mum is silent for a moment and Dan can hear her shifting on the other end, the dull thud of her sitting down. He imagine she's at the kitchen table. 

"You want me to keep the birth of my grandchild a secret?" 

"No..?" Dan frowns and looks up at Phil as if he can provide answers to a conversation he can only hear half of. "I don't want you to keep it a secret just… not on the internet. Please. You know what it can get like. Just… for now." 

"Well I can do what I can Daniel but you can't keep it a secret forever. Are you going to film all of your videos while your kid is screaming in the background? Or have you not thought that far ahead?" 

She's right. They haven't thought that far ahead and Dan doesn't really know what he's going to do. He's going to have to think about it sooner or later. 

"We might… I mean, I'll have to say something about the baby eventually," Dan grants, "But I don't know how much we'll share about Phil's involvement." 

That, again, is technically true. 

"Well if you think the whole world thinking you got pregnant by some random person and not a person you've been with for nine years then be my guest." 

He voice has gone a little haughty, like she'd like anything better than him doing precisely that. 

"Like I said," he repeats, "We're not sure yet. Just… until we decide an you keep it to yourself?" 

"Okay. You know better about these kinds of things I'm sure. What about your father?" 

"I'm not calling him." 

She doesn't sound surprised at that, she knows what their relationship is like. 

"Well no, I imagine not. But he does deserve to know." 

"You… I mean you can tell him." 

"Everything?" 

Dan pauses for a moment, thinking. "Yes," he says, "You can tell him everything. But like I said, me and Phil would appreciate it if you didn't put anything online about it just yet." 

"Your dad doesn't use the internet, Dan. I don't think you need to worry about that. He's never really understood all of that stuff." 

That, Dan thinks, is the biggest understatement he's ever heard. 

"You can put me on speaker again now," she says. 

Dan taps the button and puts the phone back on the table. If Phil is surprised, he doesn't let on. 

"Sorry about that Phil," his mum says. 

"Oh… no problem." 

Phil smiles likes she can see him and Dan nudges him in the ribs. 

"So… I'm going to be a grandmother. A young one, mind." 

"Yes mum." 

"How far along?" She asks. 

"Fifteen weeks," Dan says. 

"The baby is the size of an apple," Phil adds, and immediately looks like he regrets it.

"Oh, how… interesting." 

Dan wants to laugh, but his mum is trying, even if she's never really been all that close to Phil and always found him a little odd. She's attempting conversation at least.

"If you need anything," his mum says, "I'm here. Though I imagine you guys can afford everything without any help."

Dan wants to say that it's not money that he might need help with, that all of this is kind of big and scary and he could sort of do with a mum that hugs him in a warm kitchen while he cries and tells him it's all going to be okay. But he doesn't want to start an argument, so he doesn't.

"Thanks," he says instead. 

Phil's hand stutters in his and Dan realises they are still clasped together. He tugs a bit, drawing Phil nearer and their arms press together, he slips his elbow under Phil's so that there arms are interlocked. He likes that Phil is close, it's comforting to have his best friend near, he doesn't think about it any further than that. 

"Yes, thank you," Phil parrots. 

When they've said their final goodbyes, Dan lets out a long sigh and drops he forehead to Phil's shoulder. 

"You okay?" 

Dan nods into the fabric of Phil's shirt and breathes him in. "I'm alright, are you?" 

"Hmm," Phil hums, and Dan feels the warm breath mist on the crown of his head.

"She's a lot," Dan says.

"She's a mum." 

"Phil…" Dan says, his face still smushed against Phil's arm. "My mum thinks we're together." 

"She does," Phil says, and Dan feels him drop his face into Dan's hair. He likes it. 

"Do you mind?" 

"No?" Phil says, "We talked about this. I said you could tell her that--" 

"That's not what I meant," Dan says. "I don't know what I mean. Ignore me." 

"Alright." 

Phil doesn't move from where he's pressed against Dan, and Dan doesn't unwind himself even though there's no reason for him to be. They just sit there, tangled together, neither of them wanting to move.


	12. Chapter Twelve

Dan watches the effervescence creep up the side of the glass and sighs. The tablet fizzes in the bottom of the water and the bubbles foam and float all the way to the surface. 

"Still not feeling any better?" 

Dan shakes his head and picks the glass up off the kitchen counter. "Fucking heartburn," he says. 

"You know, I read that means the baby has a lot of hair." Phil says. 

Dan shakes his head and stares into the glass with a pout. This stuff is awful but the chalky tablets hadn't been any help, nor had any of the other remedies Phil had brought home from the shop. This horrible concoction is the only thing that brings him any relief. 

"You and your old wives tales," Dan says, and knocks back the glass. 

He gulps it down, shuddering internally at the awful flavour but relieved as anything at the way it seems to soothe the acidic burn in his throat, chest, and stomach almost immediately.

"It could be true," Phil shrugs. "We both have a lot of hair." 

Dan makes a face to show his displeasure and puts the glass in the sink. Phil immediately walks over to clean it and Dan lets him. He's getting better at letting Phil help with things. 

"God help them if they get my unruly mop," Dan says dryly. 

"I dunno," Phil shrugs, his back to Dan down so that he can see the elegant slope of his shoulders, the little rise and fall of the movement. "A beautiful baby with your curls would be absolutely adorable." 

Dan stares at Phil's back and feels a rush of affection. Phil says things like that, all casual yet complimentary, and Dan can't help but feel a little overwhelmed by it sometimes. And he brings up the baby, the future, so often and with such fond excitement that Dan is getting swept along. 

They still haven't talked in any depth and Dan knows they really should, but he gets little flashes of what the future could be and tries to ignore how he's probably envisioning one that will never come to pass. It makes him want to just hold on to it for a bit longer, before practicality shatters it all. 

"As long as they don't have anything like we did in 2011, I'll be happy," Dan quips, because joking about it is easier than letting on how amazing the thought of a baby with Phil's cheekbones and his hair is, how they'll be blue-eyed at first but in all probability will eventually have Dan's own brown colour. How he secretly hopes they get some of the red of Phil's hair, auburn curls and chocolate eyes. He imagines all manner of different combinations. 

Phil grins and puts the clean glass on the draining board. 

"I was thinking of clearing out the office today." 

Dan's bottom lip slips in to his mouth and he chews on it diligently. 

"What?" Phil asks. 

"Won't that be... you know, hard to explain? Background wise?" 

Phil looks thoughtful, and a little regarding of Dan. "We don't have a ton of time until we'll have to say something anyway," he says. 

Dan nods, just once. "I know." 

"So why don't we get a head start?" 

Dan swallows, the lingering taste of dissolvable antacid in his throat. "I..." 

"I'm not trying to push you," Phil rushes to add. 

"Just not yet," Dan says, "I'm not ready." 

He isn't ready. He can't even begin to think about how he begins to bring all of that up online. Where does it even sit? A tweet, a live show? It doesn't feel like the type of thing he can put on dinof, his channel isn't used for grand reveals and large statements unless they want to make a fancy trailer for the birth of their own child. Announce it like any other big project. 

It's obviously not going in gaming video. Dan vs. Phil, loser has to give birth. He's not above rigging the contest, but he doesn't think that's quite the right tone to set. 

Besides, it's beginning to feel less and less like a punishment. Especially with the promise that there will soon be person in the world made up of him and Phil, Phil's clumsy nature and Dan's dry wit, perhaps. 

Which only leaves AmazingPhil. And Dan doesn't know how much Phil wants to tell about how involved he is. As far as their audience is concerned is this just Dan's baby? Like his mum had said is he supposed to make out like he's pregnant by someone random? 

The thought that Phil will want to stay quiet, that he'll want to play the supportive best friend while they avoid the subject of who the other parent is makes his heart feel like lead in his chest. But revealing that it's Phil's, that Dan is pregnant by his best friend, opening up all of that to scrutiny, feels just as bad. 

"Besides," Dan continues, like he's come up with the perfect counter argument, "we still have to tell more real life people. I wouldn't want them to find out online." 

I might be a clever point to get him out of this particular discussion, but it is true. There is a long list of people they need to tell and that also seems like something he isn't ready for. But he's more willing to do that than tell the entire internet. 

"You're right," Phil says, because Phil would never do that to their friends. Loyal to a fault. "Besides… we need to figure out what we're going to say." 

"Yeah…" Dan says, "we do." 

He's thankful Phil understands his dilemma, mostly, but he had also been counting on Phil to have some kind of answers, to have an idea about what they're going to do and how they're going to do it. 

It had been easy, with their parents, but the rest isn't going to be. Dan knows it. There are too many levels, too many people who will need to know different things. Dan is pregnant. It's Phil's. No they aren't together. So many explanations for things Dan has tried not to discuss for most of his life, things he holds close and dear and doesn't want to share with the world. 

Sleeping with Phil might have been an error in judgment, getting pregnant because he forgot his stupid contraception pills was reckless and stupid on his part, even the fact that despite all of that he's really excited about this baby, that he wants so much, that he imagines a life with Phil that can't possibly happen… these are things he'll keep close and buried because they're shameful or nonsensical. 

And so easily misinterpreted. 

This is good, this little space they have here in the flat, with the way Phil's eyes light up at the mention of the baby. Dan thinks he could live like that forever, and it'll only be better once the baby is here. It'll be hard work and terrifying and exhausting, but Dan will have Phil there, an arms length away. He might still stroke Dan's hair and hold his hand occasionally, and that could be enough for Dan. 

But imagining everything else, of life outside their bubble demanding an explanation, needing them to say something and feeling entitled to some of it, Dan wants no part of that at all. 

"We'll figure it out," Phil says, smiling at him in a familiar way. 

"Sure," Dan says, "I know." 

"If I can't start emptying the office yet, do you want to go look at baby stuff online?" 

"We could do that," Dan says, relief flooding through him. "I'm thinking a monochrome grey and white aesthetic for the baby's room." 

Phil rolls his eyes, "I don't think you can make a baby comply with an aesthetic." 

"Oh god," Dan groans, "You're going to buy them a load of colourful toys and crap aren't you?" 

Phil grins and moves past him, already crossing over to the sofa and away from Dan's reach. "Maybe." 

"You're a nightmare," Dan says, his voice fondly exasperated but a smile all over his face he can't shift. 

This is fine for now, he thinks, just him and Phil planning for the future without anyone else's involvement. He follows Phil across the room and wishes he could keep it that way.


	13. Chapter Thirteen

Dan keeps catching sight of himself in shop windows as they walk past them and wondering if he looks as big as he feels. 

"Stop it," Phil says. 

"What?" 

"You're wondering if people can tell." 

Dan pouts. in many ways, he hates that Phil can read him so well, in others, he's happy he doesn't have to explain himself all of the time, because he often doesn't understand it himself. 

"you've got a coat and a jumper on," Phil says, "No one can tell." 

"Maybe I just look like I've eaten a lot of pizza," Dan says. 

"We're not naming the baby pizza." 

"Oh my god," Dan says, scandalised. "Obviously not." 

Phil grins. 

"I was thinking Dominos," Dan jokes, "you know, that's what comes at the end of a horrifying ordeal."

Phil laughs, short and sharp, and Dan is pleased that he seems to have averted whatever worry had been trapped inside of him. For the time being at least. 

All too soon Phil is coking his head and looking over at him with that expression Dan has come to know so well. 

"Is it really awful," he asks, "being pregnant?" 

"It's..." Dan thinks about it for a moment. There are good and bad parts, he's tired a lot of the time, and his body is changing a bit every day in ways he hadn't really accounted for. But there's that weird flush of happiness he gets sometimes, the one he tries to ignore, that makes him feel good about this. 

Scared, too, of course. Worried about the future and what it means, and all of that stuff they're being so careful to avoid talking about. 

But then he thinks about how this baby is half his and half Phil's and nothing else seems that important. 

"It's alright," he finishes. "I'm just fucking hungry."

"We're still not calling it Dominos," Phil says. 

Dan rolls his eyes and pauses outside of the shop. He looks in the window at the soft white furniture and delicate clothing. He looks over at Phil who is similarly distracted by it all and then pushes the door open. 

The shop is alot bigger than he'd thought it would be. Apparently there are a million and one things you need to buy in order to be prepared to bring a child in to your home, but Phil has a list in his back pocket and Dan has spent ages googling everything, so he thinks they'll be okay. 

Maybe they'll even get it sorted in one fell swoop, right here and now, and then they'll be as prepared as they can be. 

Maybe. 

Dan is immediately drawn to a row of cots. There are plenty of things they need to buy but for some reason this is the one that he keeps thinking about. He bypasses the pine and oak coloured models and comes to stand beside a wooden one painted a soft grey colour. He places his hand against the cool surface of the top bar and feels the smooth finish. 

"Nice," Phil says, coming up beside him. 

"Grey and white," Dan says, for what is not the hundredth time. 

"I know," Phil says, nodding. "You've said."

Dan is determined to maintain a coordinated and cohesive colour scheme in the baby's room. Despite Phil pointing out on multiple occasions that there is a red shelving unit on one wall. 

"I can deal with one area of colour," Dan says. "That is acceptable. All your multicoloured baby crap can go there and in the cupboard." 

Phil just grins at him, seemingly happy to let him hold on to this image of a pristinely decorated baby room. Logically, Dan knows that the reality of having a child, with it's mess and disruption, is not really conducive to keeping this dream alive, but he's clinging to it for the time being. 

"This one actually converts to a bed as your baby grows," an assistant says, coming up beside them. 

"Oh, really?" Phil says, looking at the assistant with interest. 

"May I?" the guy says, and holds out a hand towards the crib. 

Dan watches, intrigued, as the assistant dismantles the top section of the crib, removing the bars but leaving the frame, headboard and a small footboard around a decently sized mattress. 

It's cute, tidy and contained, like a regular bed but in miniature. Dan feels a sudden swell of emotion just looking at it, picturing it in situ against the wall of the gaming room where the sofa bed currently is. The changing table and drawers on the wall where the desk currently is, in the same soft grey perhaps, or white to match the wardrobe. 

They could get some of the plush white blankets and delicate sheets, stuffed toys and cosy accessories. 

"There are a range of different mattresses too…" 

The assistant takes them around the shop, surprised but never tiring of them moving from one thing to another, picking things out to add to their order. Surely he's seen this before, anxious parents trying to cram everything in to one trip, but he's still taken aback by their seemingly unconcerned attitude towards the price of things. 

"I don't care," Phil had said. "Look, let's just get the stuff we like. We can afford it. I want what's best for them." 

Of course Dan had agreed, but he'd expected to have to have to argue against Phil's more frugal nature.

But that's out of the window today. 

Dan keeps his choices to his grey and white palette, but Phil keep sneaking brightly coloured options into their basket. They add a number of onesies, mostly plain white, although some with stripes or the odd geometric design. Dan vehemently stays away from anything too gendered or twee. 

"If you want to get everything now," the assistant says, "might I suggest picking up a few more? When my little one was born we went through them faster than I ever thought possible, what with the mess babies make." 

"Then I'm getting these," Phil says moving over towards a rack of baby grows with animated characters on the front. He too knows to steer clear of the very obviously boy/girl branded nonsense, but yellows and lilacs and dute drawings of dogs and farm animals are alright. 

Dan rolls his eyes, fondly, and catches the assistant looking at him. 

"Mine was the same," he says, "when I was pregnant I went through a kind of nesting phase where I wanted everything to be perfect but Henry, my husband, he just charges through like a hurricane and messes everything up." 

"You're a carrier?" Dan says, trying to hide the surprise in his voice. 

He doesn't often have much opportunities to talk to other carriers, to compare notes on this whole pregnancy thing. There are message boards, he's found them on his endless researching, but he hasn't participated in any of them thus far for fear of being caught out online. 

"Michael," he says, fishing his phone out of his pocket and holding it up to show a picture of a chubby toddler on his lock screen, "he's two." 

Dan gives him a warm smile. 

"Between you and me, Henry wants to have another one, but it's not like he has to carry it, is it?"

He laughs, and Dan joins in.

"God," Dan says, "I'm only 4 months in but I can't imagine doing this again." 

"You wait," he says, putting the phone back in his pocket. "He'll be badgering you about it before you know it."

He nods over to Phil who has an armful of onesies and is making his way back over towards them. 

"Oh--" Dan starts, just as Phil reaches them. 

"Here," Phil says, putting them in the basket. He looks up, catches sight of what must be a fairly harried expression on Dan's face. "What?" 

"No worries," the assistant says, "I think I just scared him."

Phil half smiles, joining in but holding back a little until he's deciphered whether he needs to be indignant on Dan's behalf or not. 

"I told him you'd be on at him for a second baby," the assistant laughs, "my husband always is."

Phil meets Dan's eyes for a second, unblinking. The corner of his mouth crooks and Dan can't read the expression on his face well at all. That rarely happens. 

"Let's just concentrate on this one before we start thinking of any more," he says, "alright?"

The assistant laughs and leads them off in the direction of the kitchenware, "Told you."

Dan follows behind Phil, stunned into silence. He knows Phil was just going along with the joke, that it would have taken too much time and been too awkward to explain to a shop owner that firstly, this was an accidental pregnancy so the idea of a second baby is definitely off the table, and secondly, they aren't together. 

But now the assistant is out there in the world, believing they're together, just like his mum does, and it doesn't unsettle Dan as much as he thought it would to let people think it. 

It's just… easier, he thinks. If only it were so simple for everyone else they need to tell.


	14. Chapter Fourteen

**17 weeks**

Dan isn't sleeping well. For the past few nights it's been headaches, which the internet tells him is fairly common for this stage of his pregnancy, but today it's something different, as he crawls into bed in the early evening. Something darker. 

His whole body feels alive, nerve endings sparking, the sheets soft against his freshly-showered skin in a way that makes him feel decadent.

He's hard, which has been a fairly rare occurrence over the past few months given how awful he's been feeling generally, how tired and nauseous. But tonight is different, for some reason. He isn't sure if this is another common side effect of being seventeen weeks pregnant, or if it's just because it's been so long, but tonight he wants something. 

He'd been tempted to take care of it in the shower, but it's such a welcome reprieve from the headaches, from the sickness, from the feeling so _pregnant_ , that he wants to take his time. 

He wraps his hand around his hard cock and sighs at the contact. Stroking a couple of times, feeling the rough slide of his own palm, just a touch too fast. He bites down on his lip to suppress his moan. 

His legs part of their own accord. His stomach rises in a gentle mound under the sheets and it gets in his way a little at he slides his other hand downwards, reaching under his own thigh, to press as his fluttering hole. 

A soft sigh escapes him. There is something decadent about indulging in this, in sinking his own fingers inside himself and wishing for something that would reach a little further. He has toys in his drawer, but it's been so long since he used them that he'd probably have to get up and give them a cursory wash for the bare minimum of hygiene reasons, so this will have to do for now. 

Dan twists his wrist to find that select bundle of nerves that makes his breath catch in his throat. He can't reach it directly, of course, but he can shift his hand in a such a way that the suggestion of it is there as his other hand speeds up on his cock. 

He's so far gone on all the sensation that he doesn't hear his door open and Phil come in to the room. 

"Dan, what do you want for--" 

"Phil, Fuck!"

Dan rips his hands away, rearranging the duvet hastily so that he is covered again, and Phil's mouth parts. 

"Sorry," he stammers.

"Closed door policy, Phil. Fucking hell."

"Sorry," Phil repeats, still not leaving. "I didn't expect you to be-- 

"Well… I don't know what to tell you."

Phil blinks at him, hand still on the handle, paused in Dan's doorway. 

"Did you want something?" 

"Just asking what you wanted for dinner."

Dan sighs, dropping his head back on his pillow. "I could actually really go for curry."

"Craving?" Phil asks.

"Just a regular one," Dan says, "not a pregnancy one."

Phil nods, but he still doesn't leave. 

"Um, Phil? I'm kinda naked here."

Phil's tongue darts out to lick at his bottom lip and he diverts his eyes away, suddenly realising. "Sorry, yeah I'll… I'm just gonna go order it."

"Don't forget the naan," Dan shouts after him as Phil closes the door behind him finally. 

Dan sighs into his now empty room. He thinks about finishing what he started but the impetus has gone for now, shock and adrenaline making it difficult to stay in the mood. 

All he'd wanted was a moment to himself. Some time to think after everything that's been going on. There is too much pressure, too many realities coming up to bite him, he has to be a proper adult really soon, to make decisions about who can know what and start telling the truth about others. He just wanted to be a young layabout for a while longer, to have a wank in the early afternoon because he wanted to, because it's what his body was craving, to not have to think how in a few months there will be no time for anything like that. No time for himself when there is a little life waiting to be fed, changed, rocked to sleep. 

It won't be about him anymore, and that's just fine. But he just wanted it to be about him for these few minutes. 

He sighs, throwing back his duvet and pulling on a pair of the carrier jeans he'd bought online. They're roomier than his usual jeans, but they could still technically be skinny jeans just on his legs, and then rising up over his bump. 

He puts on an oversized jumper that falls in a soft curtain over his belly. If he hunches, you can't really tell it's there. Not that he has to hide it around Phil of course.

Phil is just finishing up the order on the phone when Dan goes into the living room. He doesn't flinch, or act embarrassed, because there is little point in it really. They've lived together long enough and spent enough of Dan's heats hooking up that it seems stupid to get all wound up by a little nudity and Phil seeing his dick. 

He's seen it. Dan is has evidence of that right there under his jumper. 

"Should be around thirty minutes," Phil says. 

"Great." 

Dan sits down on the sofa. He's a little slower than he usually would be, he can't quite drop into his seat like he could before. Getting up isn't yet a problem but he knows it's probably going to become one. 

He opens his laptop to his emails and starts reading. If he isn't going to get any alone time then he can at least be productive. Or so he tells himself, really all he does is read through them and think of the things he would say in reply, but he doesn't actually type anything. PRoductivity is alright in theory, but in practise he can't quite get there. 

There is silence from Phil's side of the room for a while. He's sat on the other couch, his own laptop on his knees. Dan suspects he's doing something similar and after a few minutes he wants to ask if Phil whether he wanted to reply to that email from Mike, or if Dan should, and looks up to find Phil staring at him with an odd, undefinable expression on his face. 

"What?" Dan says, defensively. 

"Nothing." Phil shrugs, still not looking away. 

"No," Dan says, "Go on." 

"I was just thinking about that guy in the shop last week." 

"He's married, Phil. He literally showed us a picture of their baby." 

Phil rolls his eyes and Dan grins. 

"No," Phil says, "Obviously not what I meant."

Dan stretches his legs out on the footstool that Phil is letting him keep next to his spot on the sofa. Phil is letting him get away with a lot lately. 

"What did you mean then?" 

"I mean I was thinking about what he said and… well, the things he assumed." 

"Hm," Dan says, flicking his eyes back down to his laptop screen so he doesn't have to look Phil in the eye while he remembers it. For some reason it makes him feel hot and awkward, like he's embarrassed, even though Dan wasn't the one perpetuating his assumption. That was all Phil. 

"It's easier," Phil says. "Like with your parents." 

"Er… I mean, yeah it might have been awkward to correct him. And my parents are just--" 

"What I mean," Phil says, interrupting him, "is that I don't mind. Any of it." 

"Well thats…" Dan frowns, and looks up at Phil again, "Alright then." 

Phil nods, and then closes his laptop decisively. He suddenly gets to his feet and heads in the direction of the kitchen. 

"I'll get plates," Phil says. 

"I can help," Dan says, and he gets up as well, despite Phil protesting that he needs to stay sat down. He still has a lot of pent up energy he isn't using, and somehow this conversation with Phil doesn't feel quite finished. 

"Do you mind?" Phil says.

He's holding two plates and two sets of cutlery in his hands. Dan didn't need to come with him after all. 

"Mind?" 

"The assuming." 

"Oh. Then, no." 

If Dan is surprised at how quickly that comes, he doesn't show it, and if Phil thinks the same, he doesn't either. He just stands there, holding the plates and looking at Dan.

"I guess I'm used to it," Dan says. "I mean, people are more blatant about it now because of the…" 

He trails off and runs a hand over the swell of his stomach. Phil tracks the movement with his eyes . 

"People assumed before that though," Phil points out. 

Dan has to laugh at that, considering. "Yes Phil, a couple of million people online."

"In real life," Phil clarifies. 

"Yeah, there too. But still, I'm used to it. And it was my idea with my parents to just… you know. So no Phil, it doesn't bother me." 

Phil nods, his head moving more than is necessary, his hair shaking. He doesn't say anything though, and Dan gives up waiting for the point to this conversation, and heads back into the lounge, to his spot on the couch. 

Phil follows a few seconds later, putting the plates on the table to wait for the food and sitting down next to him on the same couch. Phil doesn't go back to pretending to read emails, and Dan is done with that gambit for the evening too. Instead, they put on Netflix, some show they're in the middle of. It's trash, mostly, but they've run out of good shows to watch that they don't have to track down online or buy separately. 

"Did you finish earlier?" Phil asks, out of nowhere. 

"What?" 

Phil is grinning, clearly amused at how Dan had spluttered and turned to stare at him with his mouth open.

"Well, you look like you were into it. You were making that noise you do."

"You heard?" Dan says, "I thought you walked in my accident." 

Phil ignores him, just continues smirking like he's having the best time ever making Dan feel slightly uncomfortable. He doesn't know why, it's not completely unheard of for them to talk about sex, or wanking, or any of that kind of stuff. But something feels different this time, Phil is doing it specifically to wind him up. 

"I'm going to take that as a no," Phil says, "You're still all… squirrely." 

"You don't know what you're talking about," Dan says. He fixes his eyes back on the screen and tries to act like Phil isn't staring laser-focussed into the side of his head. The skin there itches. 

"Actually," Phil says, "I think this is the one area I do know something about." 

Dan doesn't answer. He doesn't want to encourage this weird mood that Phil is in. 

"I know you," Phil continues anyway, "I know when you're in that mood. The one where you want to get off but haven't." 

"What exactly are you getting at?" Dan says. He feels hot all over, a fluttering sensation in his stomach that has nothing to do with the baby and everything to do with the mischievous glint in the blue of Phil's eyes. 

"Just that… Well. I'm here if you… decide you would like to finish it."

The way he says it makes it clear to Dan that he doesn't mean that Dan would be finishing it alone. Phil is offering to take him to bed, to cure the itch under his skin that he hasn't been able to scratch. Just like the many times he has before. 

"I--" Dan starts, but it interrupted by the loud chime of the front door bell. 

Phil jumps up from the couch and Dan doesn't have time to give him an answer. Not that he's sure what he would say. 

It's ridiculous, isn't it? He can't even believe Phil is offering. Except that, well, it's not that ridiculous. They've done it before, countless times, and it's been fun and guilt free and harmless, really, unless you count the whole pregnancy thing. And well, the ship has sailed on that particular consequence. 

Sex with Phil is great. It's the best sex Dan has ever had, not that he's had that many more other partners in his lifetime. Not with Phil at arms reach all the time, not with how good that was and how easy. 

Would it be so bad if he took Phil up on his offer? If he just let it happen. Just for now, just one more bad decision in a line of bad decisions. Something for him, before he has to become a functioning adult with a baby and all of that responsibility. 

Phil comes back up the stairs. He has a bag of rich smelling food swinging from one hand. He's wearing loose jogging bottoms and a bright blue t-shirt and Dan can't help but confirm that, yes, he still finds Phil attractive, and the proposal is an alluring one. 

Dan gets to his feet, he crosses the short distance between them and stops Phil in his tracks. He doesn't say anything, just slides his hands around Phil's waist in the way that he has hundreds of times before and tilts his head to bring his mouth to Phil's. 

The fingers of Phil's free hand thread into the hair on the back of Dan's head and hold him steady, Phil kisses back with a passion Dan hadn't originally anticipated and he thinks perhaps Phil has been waiting for this too. That maybe he's feeling the same, that they both need the relief of a little bad decision making. 

"Yes," Dan says, when they part for breath. "Let's finish it."


End file.
